Thu | March 15, 2007

c'est impossible

It's impossible. I feel I should write something, and yet, it's 11 pm, and I have just gotten home. And I should really just go wash my face and go to bed, instead of typing until I am too tired to wash my face and then go to bed. Gone -are the days gone when I felt I could blog at work? I think so. Due to supreme paranoia that they comb the history for what sites I've visited, and discover my blog. But if they do, haven't they already discovered it? Isn't all said and done, and too late? Perhaps I feel that it will be forgotten, if I don't visit it while at work. But it's all paranoia anyway. I am sure they don't. Or not sure, but I think they probably don't. Even if they did, is it illegal to write about work? But J. asked about my blog, a couple weeks ago, when I first got back there, and it made me self-conscious. He just remembered it, I think, from way back when. I was surprised I had told him, as I always am surprised that I told someone. It really isn't written for anyone, it's written for zero audience, and so, to have one, at all, seems wrong. Though, he did not visit it. I don't think he remembered where it was. He simply asked, if we (meaning, the workplace) ever got into it. And I scoffed no. But I suppose it does. get into it. Though, not as much as it would be, if it were unrestrained. I try not to write identifiable things. I don't know the law behind such things, but I try to stay away from googlable things. So I never mention anything that might be considered a keyword. I don't think. And besides that, aren't I free to express some of my thoughts into a blog that no one or hardly anyone reads? They are trivial, a lot of them. The serious I'd like to kill someone sentiments never quite make it on here. Not that I have that many of them, honestly. Not many. No, I am truly non-violent, but it makes me wonder about others. If I as a non-violent person occasionally have thoughts, I wonder what the more violent people are thinking.

It's impossible, to blog at 11 pm. It's better to blog at 6, or 6:30, when all have gone home. And there is some time to be quiet and unwind right in the office. By the time you have gone out for a drink and then gotten home, it is 11, and you have to just get ready for bed and go to sleep so you can wake up tomorrow. The time to do it would be while still at the office. And yet in the past few weeks, I haven't. Dared, I suppose. But what would be so bad about it, I ask myself again. I mean, really. I am far too strict with myself, and it's far too easy to set me off into a precautionary mode.

The reason, then, that I haven't posted, is that I feel I cannot post about work. Which is a small part of my life, considering the hours actually spent there. But in some ways is a big part of my life because it's the most perplexing / incomprehensible. And what does one write about except the things one is trying to understand. But I feel I can't work them out here, and perhaps rightly. And yet if I don't get that out of the way, nothing else will come out. I think I just needed an adjustment phase, really. Since it was a few weeks ago, at the beginning of the month, conveniently for my memory, that I started to go on Th and F. And now, I think, after a few weeks, it has settled into my schedule a bit. Though, of course, in another week my schedule will change. And by the time I settle into that the class will be over. And then I will have nothing. And have to adjust to the nothing. While knowing that perhaps I will have something. That I shall be obligated to take, to avoid compunction. Who uses that word? Me, just me.

Posted by Lily at 11:20 PM

Wed | February 28, 2007

A new face cleanser.

Because the one I've been using is killing my skin. My skin is actually getting to look like a dried out orange. Stupid origins checks and balances. Awful product. I think I might just go to the drug store and get some foaming cleanser. Almost anything would be better than this. I'm also thinking about returning the cleanser I have, even though I bought it like a year ago and don't think I have the receipt, or don't want to bother going through my shoebox of receipts to find it, and have never returned anything after using it due to "dissatisfaction."

I wonder if I would like the smooth, even-toned skin that people seem to get from using Asian cleansers. I am not sure what they are, but the few times I've asked people who have skin like that, they're always using something from Korea or Japan. They'll say it's something my dad got me in Hong Kong.

But, the skin tone that comes from it, tends to be this ethereal look that is inauthentic. I am ethnic and perhaps I should stay true to that, rather than acquire bleached skin.

Posted by Lily at 10:54 AM

Tue | February 20, 2007

a wish granted, sort of

Well, it looks like I will get one of my long-held wishes-- my sister is moving to California. Not that I wanted her to move to California, but I have often said that I would like a friend in California, because then I would have someone to call late at night.

Posted by Lily at 05:09 PM

Sun | February 18, 2007

Xīnnián kuàilè

The good news is that I think I have a free membership to Bally's after all. Maybe I'll go today, or tomorrow- though I know it will be crowded and that makes me less inclined to go. Also it is a holiday and I feel I should be doing something appropriate to Lunar New Year. I suppose exercising is a good way to start the year.

Posted by Lily at 10:20 AM

Fri | February 16, 2007

wow, so bored

So bored that I am staying in the office because I don't feel like going home and I have no place else to go. So bored that I texted Ryan, who took two months to call me, and then didn't even leave a message, leading me to suspect it might even have been a mistake. Not so bored that I called everyone I know. Bored is really the wrong word. By bored, I mean socially deprived.

I should just go home; it's not like I'm going to get anything done here. Go home, shower, watch the last episode of Survivor.

Posted by Lily at 07:02 PM

Thu | February 15, 2007

a morning in Boston

Well, that was annoying. Just spent an hour futilely trying to make the wireless work on my sister's laptop, so that I could email myself the document that I had been working on. I should have known that the wireless was unreliable. She has a router but it just doesn't seem to be reliable. It's annoying because I worked on it for an hour or so and then spent almost as much time just clicking around the wireless options trying to do this thing that should have only taken a second. Now I am completely frustrated and it's just not a very nice conclusion to an otherwise tolerable trip. Also, it's kind of annoying to sit around all morning and do nothing. But, I didn't expect anything much, so I am not disappointed. There was a lot of sitting around on this trip, but there was some activity- went to a cafe for a bit yesterday morning, and at night went to the MFA and dinner. On Tuesday night when I got here we hung out for a bit and then went to dinner also. It snowed a lot yesterday and now I have to decide whether to take back this luggage that is going to be difficult to naviagte over all the ice and slush. I think some sidewalks are cleared but others, may not be. Anyway, I suppose I survived V-day. By sitting around all afternoon and then getting out, which we might not have, if I had not been resolute. I also read a few chapters of a novel. The Ambassadors. I usually say HJ is my favorite, and yet I have only read a few of his books. This time I am understanding it a bit better. I think last time I must not have, because I was apparently on page 100 and did not really have a handle on it. Now I am back to that spot, at which I stopped, and I completely know what's going on. So I think I'll finish this hopefully, as long as I don't get stuck again at this previous sticking point, and then I'll read the Golden Bowl, maybe. In a while, that is. I don't read that many books anymore and it was bad advice to hear, and hear again, that I should be reading a book every two days, or whatever. That's insane. And no fun. And if I don't enjoy myself a little, I will really not make any progress. I have tried it. I have a tendency to not have fun, and not make progress, because I take things too seriously. Anyway maybe I will try to get my sister out of bed now (she had gotten up but has gone back, thus leaving her desktop available for me to use) and maybe we can go to lunch before I leave. Maybe the wireless will magically work now and I can upload that document.

Posted by Lily at 11:18 AM

Wed | February 07, 2007

Valentine's Day

For a long time I have turned over the question of Valentine's Day in my mind. Somehow this holiday season (nearly half year from Halloween through Chinese New Year) has turned out ok, one holiday after another. Partly because my expectations were zero, such that, for example, on New Year's Eve watching a (good) movie, driving about aimlessly for an hour, then having omelets and playing Scrabble was, to me, wonderful. But does the fact that the previous holidays turned out all right mean that the next one will be okay too?

And anyway, Valentine's Day is the one holiday that I can never really accept half-baked. The point that it might have turned out "okay" is moot. I have done the "date someone, anyone" thing a few times, actually. I am breaking that habit. Or trying. I thought about taking a trip somewhere. Prague, Montreal, England. But I had no one to go with, and going alone might have just killed me.

So. Just now, I purchased a bus ticket to Boston, to leave on Tuesday and come back Thursday, with Valentine's Day exactly in the middle. I am not staying through Friday, because that may be too much time to spend with my sister. Baby steps, baby steps. Plus, I got this 50% off thing from Greyhound that wasn't available on Friday, as far as I could tell. I just have to fill out a survey and make sure I get the bus number. And some other number that I don't even know what it is. Which would make my thirty bucks fifteen, round trip. Plus the 12.50 RTX to and from New York.

So now, at least, I have a V-day plan. Not one that I feel spectacular about. But, at least I have a plan. The plan is running away. Ideally it would have been to some place where they don't have Valentine's Day. But Boston it is. I like having plans. Part of what is horrible is not the holiday itself but the days leading up to the holiday knowing you have no plans. Even if something materializes at the last minute and makes the day okay, the preceding days were still not.

Posted by Lily at 04:32 PM

Tue | February 06, 2007

Writing Workshop

It would be nice if writing class were like art studio. In art class you draw, and the teacher goes around, looks at what you've done, and comments. He could even get in there and show you how the lines could be different. Put a little here. You watch him and you start to see the difference. And then you draw some more. The nude model shifts and you draw again. It's all charcoal on a giant newsprint tablet. You keep the tablet but it's all for practice. You do a bigger project at home for homework. With more detail, more effort on a single subject.

Writing Workshop is like, you are immediately expected to produce a sizeable project, even in a beginner class. You bring it in- if it even exists it's a miracle- and then you get a humongous pile of critique all at once. You don't know what to do next, you feel overwhelmed, there is no sequence, there is just a pile of critique. You never touch it again, or if you do, you try to do too much at once, and everything falls apart. Then in several weeks it's your turn to go through the same thing again. You wonder why you can never finish anything.

Posted by Lily at 03:08 PM

Mon | February 05, 2007

monday's lament

I am unable to deal with even the smallest of work problems. I collapse at the first sign of trouble. I have like 280 questions to edit and I can't do it. The time constraints are too strict, 2 hours per ten questions. Sounds like it could be doable, 12 minutes per question. But it includes answer choices and explanations; it's a lot more than just a question. It's more than traditional editing. I'm fairly intelligent and experienced; if I can't do it is it really me? I had the same problem with the question bank last fall. or whenever it was. I didn't enjoy it for that reason. Despite it being more the type of work that relates to writing and is thus in line with my goals. For that I am grateful. But the time constraints, thinking of them makes me cower in bed in the morning. Then I don't even do any of it. Today I am going to do some. Maybe one per day this week. It seems like nothing, and most people would look down on me for not being able to work two hours a day. But when they are at work they are doing other things. They are just hanging out, living. At home I am doing the same thing. But I don't get paid for it. And when I am at work I am working my ass off. Which is why I suppose it's good that I don't work there. I don't think I would know how to hang out. To not work my fingers to the bone, for something that will never really benefit me directly. And those two hours, are padded all around with hours of gearing up to it and recovery. Because the time constraints are so strict that I feel like I have to really be ready before I can do it. So I hang about for an hour before finally doing it. Yet all this winding up and winding down time doesn't get billed, of course. And yet I lose it to this work.

All I can do is hope my problems go away. Brace myself, finish the ten questions of the day, and then try to recover. It just really isn't enough time. I could be doing this full time, this mass of documents that's being treated as small change. But hell if I know how to convert from contractor to full time. I don't even know if I would want to. Waking up at 7 am to get to the train station, then sitting there all day, and listening to them loop through the same inane conversation- I could very well go nuts. Of course, sitting here, day after day, without health care, I could die. Or worse, bankrupt my parents first, with the hospital bill if I get in an accident or contract some illness, and then die, of misery, depression, sadness, disappointment.

Posted by Lily at 10:56 AM

Mon | January 29, 2007

The Stock Market

That guy from writing class, I guess his name is Bill, said something like "it's a cliche but I make money off stocks." Actually he had one of the characters in his story say it. Hearing about that depresses me. It depresses me to hear about people living off the stock market. Because my Dad, who does not appear depressed, must be. You can't lose x large amount of dollars, cashed in from your inheritance of Taiwanese land, and not be a little downtrodden. The whole thing seems like a scam to me, y number of people like my father funding the lives z number of people like Bill. The stock market takes advantage of people who believe in the miracle of free money, this American dream of riches. Millions of Asians immigrated here trusting this promise of wealth and instead there's an incredible lifelong struggle even to subsist at the bottom of an organizational structure. My Dad says he needs something to hope for, and I suppose that's a valid point. But the stock market seems bound to be against him, and therefore not a good thing to store your hope in. Don't store it in me, neither. I don't know where is a safe place to put it.

Posted by Lily at 09:38 PM

Sun | January 28, 2007

goodbye gym

Well, my two-week trial period is almost over. I didn't ask about the 8-week thing. I don't really enjoy convincing people of things, talking my way into things. Perhaps if I were psychologically healthier and more confident. But years of unemployment and job failure kind of wear away at sociability. If I don't go tomorrow then that'll be all. Last time I went they had a bench-pressing contest and I saw someone bench 425 pounds. I would have immediately collapsed and been beheaded by a metal bar.

Posted by Lily at 03:13 PM

Wed | January 17, 2007

notes on the gym

I have just started a 2-week trial membership at the Bally's two towns over. And found out today that what I really wanted to register for (because of a commercial I saw on tv during the Apprentice premiere) was the Discovery Health Challenge. That would give me an eight-week free membership through March 10. Now my only hope is that they will let me keep coming anyway. I will just tell them I am doing the challenge. I dunno. I missed the registration by a day, as it was available until midnight last night. They are pretty lax in their admission policy, anyway. There is a turnstile but you can walk right by the desk and no one stops you. Unless you stop yourself, as I do. There is a NY Sports Club in Springfield also, but they charge twenty bucks for a 2-week trial membership. I will probably visit them after all this Bally's stuff runs out. Just to see, maybe they will have something for free. Even if it's just a day. And then it will be spring and I might just get exercise outside somehow. Or maybe I will join. It's expensive though. I could join the three day a week plan for 30 bucks, that may be the only plan within my grasp. I think the more you think about how little money you have, the more you spend it, definitely. Recently I've been thinking about it and as a result I've gone shopping twice within the space of a week. Finally quenched my thirst for Uniqlo cashmere.

It is nice to be back at a gym, after all these years of not. It's like, there's people there. I am pretty isolated so it's nice just to be around living creatures (as opposed to walking the neighborhood and seeing people inside cars). And in a non-threatening way where I don't feel like I have to perform or feel undervalued like at work. I have no interest in the people at Bally's, for the most part, but they don't annoy me. Unless they are stinky- then they are annoying. But otherwise, it's ok. It's a middle-class, middle-aged crowd, which I almost prefer to the decidedly more affluent Summit Y, who remind me of where I should be, but am not. Bally's also has lots of men with big muscles, who are interesting to look at, but nothing more. And a whole bunch of shapeless middling people whom I would not have expected to see at the gym, but I guess everyone is getting in shape now. Or trying to.

What I find funny about Bally's is that they have a soda machine there, which is half full of water bottles, but still. And they also have a juice bar, which is okay, I guess, but still. After all that effort at burning calories it seems stupid to then consume some. Also, one of the reasons I never did really like the gym is that it seems like such a waste of energy. I never did get over the incredible futility of running in place on a treadmill, or doing repetitions of anything for the sake of the movement itself, without any real purpose. I mean why aren't all these machines hooked up to a generator, or something. All that lifting and running energy could be harnessed to power the lights at the gym.

Posted by Lily at 12:54 PM

Tue | January 16, 2007

still a nice person

Because I have been trying to become a selfish, competitive hater for some time now. All the while knowing on some level it will never really happen. I talk the talk and say some egotistical things sometimes but mostly I just do what the other person wants, or needs, whether they know it or not. Any benefit to myself is coincidental. Case in point: last night I finished right on time with Sarah. Good. Just enough time to get my stuff together and catch the 5:26 to meet some Frenchies at a place called Jadis on the LES. True, I had officially declared an end to French. But what I meant by that was my formal French language studies. Convenient, informal practice or learning of French is completely acceptable and even desirable. For fun, that is. And with a week ahead of me of mostly loneliness I thought I had better get out while I can.

However I also kept an eye out the window, on their minivan which hadn't left, and which was going rat-tat-tat-tat-tat. I could have gone out the side door, the way I usually go, or I could have gone out the front and simply said I was rushing off somewhere... good luck with that rattling noise. But instead I asked what was wrong, and offered the use of my phone, and nearly two hours later, found myself learning the alley cat dance from Sarah outside in the cool post-rain air, while waiting for the tow truck to arrive, its yellow and orange lights flashing. The truck, actually, took just ten minutes to arrive. Most of the time was spent in the kitchen of my house, waiting for the father to drive over from his workplace, because Mrs. H---- didn't want to call triple A without his judgment. When I get married, if I get married, I will not be so deferential to my spouse. Or if I have a bf. Though this may just be talk again. If history is any indication, I will be too accomodating as always.

So anyway then the rest of my night was confused, somehow, and I couldn't decide what to do, and consequently did nothing useful nor fun. I watched the Golden Globes and saw the executive producer of Dreamgirls receive the award for Best Musical or Comedy and wondered why they started to play the music to get him off stage after about ten seconds, whereas others took like thirty seconds or more and were not rushed off. Not that it really matters I suppose.

I'm confused pretty much every day. Don't know what to do with myself. Have a sense of purpose but don't really know what to do about it.

Posted by Lily at 01:19 PM

a well furnished room

It is kind of an Asian thing, to have crappy decor. Not that the decor in my house is entirely crappy. It's somewhat coordinated. The living room is pink. The dining room is browns. But it's not entirely cohesive. And my room, is periwinkle, with lots and lots of boxes and papers and other stuff. I guess the key is to get rid of all the stuff that doesn't match. But I like to keep things. My clothes, I like to keep until they are worn out, which could be forever. If you wanted to just keep wearing them fashionlessly you could keep your clothes for years. Which is what I do... except I don't wear them, I just keep them in the bottoms of my drawers. And the interior decorating, I've thought about for some time as a concept, as something I'd like to do. For at least one of the rooms in my house. It is difficult because no one else is really interested or wants to help me. I keep telling my friends hoping one of them will want to come shopping with me or something, offer some guidance, because I have no experience at it, and don't know what it's like to live in a well-coordinated place. But in the absence of that I turtle along by myself, and maybe eventually something will come out of this idea. Things move slowly when left to only me. I do have the idea that I like earthy things, instead of like, modern stuff. Though I do like the barcelona chair and chaise lounges, which are kind of modern. Maybe I would have one room with the bold colors and another with the earthy ones.

Posted by Lily at 11:14 AM

Mon | January 15, 2007

No Pants 2k7

Well, I went to that no pants thing. When I first read about it I thought it was a fun idea but had no intention of going. Then in a matter of minutes the idea had taken hold of my mind and by the time I went to bed that night about half an hour later there was no question that I had to go, or face torture from my own brain. And so I went. I emailed/IM'd/called a few people, one of whom came with me, so that worked out all right. And then it turns out that I knew one of the organizers. Which was unlikely considering I hardly know anyone anymore. But then again maybe it's not so unlikely.

Ironically I think I would have more to say about it if I hadn't gone. If I had thought about it in theory rather than in practice. In practice it was much easier than I thought it would be. Because there were so many people. It didn't really matter. I'd say the car I was in, was like 80/20 percent participants/ regular passengers. So we didn't get the experience of shocking others, which was not what appealed to me about it most anyway. It was more the experience of sitting on the metro in my underwear. It was very protected and risk-free because they even had a few policemen this year. I suppose that is good. I told Sharif that I would do it again with him just us some random day. He chose to go glasses shopping instead of this. I suppose because he didn't want to go support his roommate. And because he is a jaded too cool hipster and this is a seven year old idea to him.

It would be most ideal, I think, if the percent were more like 20 percent/ 80 percent participants to passengers. If all the people had been spread out over a few trains, instead of all getting onto one train. They did spread people out over the ten cars, of the 6 train, but still. All in all it was fun. Ben was an okay companion even though he did not participate. And then we went ice skating and had soul food at a place he called a "hole in the wall" and I called "affordable." The next day he emailed me a picture of myself that he found on the internet. That was not something I had thought about, and I would wear my hair differently if I could do it again. But mostly pictures of me are hopeless, or so far from right that it's not even worth thinking about.

Actually if I had done what I felt like I would have gotten off that crowded train, and hopped on a different one. Outside of the safety zone, which was kind of what it was all about anyway. But I didn't want to shock Ben any further and I don't think adorable Andrew would have left his responsibilities to come with us either.

At any rate I think I shall add "No Pants Day" to this holiday season. In an ideal world I would have a No Pants party at my apartment next year. Or on my own designated favorite subway line. Since having an apartment is even further away as a concept than having no pants. And actually a private party would be very different than a public event, like this one was. They would achieve different things.

Posted by Lily at 03:10 PM

Mon | January 08, 2007

Je stoppe

I have finally come to a decision about French. I am sick of it and I am quitting. I have quit a lot of things; here's one more. Whatever. There is no point. I have no interest in France the country, French the people, French culture, etc. None of it has any application in my life. This is madness. This is doing something for no reason at all. I needed a break from English and I think I took it. It has come to the point that I am dragging myself through my workbook. I dragged myself all the way to almost the end. That's the way it is with me. I didn't finish my first workbook either. I technically can't finish anything. J'ai seulement faire le huitième revision et je sais que je ne vais pas le faire. Better to just stop now. Puis quelque j'aie fait, c'est très bien. I don't get the rewarding feeling of actually finishing, but that doesn't mean everything I did so far is meaningless. If I follow my previous pattern, I will take a year off, then start up again. So it's more like a break than quitting. But if I don't think about it as quitting, I will never go back to it. That's the way it is with me. I must really have left before I can come back. If I know I will go back to it that's not good. I don't think. Maybe I never will go back. It's a pity to "lose" everything I've gained but if there's no point to it there is no reason to keep it.

I have no idea what my level is. Someone asked me last night and I didn't know. Nor did I care. What an irrelevant question. Why does it even matter. We are not in school. And even if we were. Get over it. Do you know French, or not. Do you enjoy it, or not. Does it benefit you, or not. Do you feel better with it, or without it. That's all there is to it.

Posted by Lily at 01:49 PM

Pourquoi je ne souhaite pas m’installer à New York.

Les gens à New York sont trop occupés ; ils vous oublient. Dans les banlieues, c’est l’opposé. Ils se souviennent de tout et de tous. C’est également une mauvaise chose. Je ne sais pas, vraiment, mais je crois que les New Yorkais n’ont pas de considération. Certains de mes amis disent qu'ils seraient de meilleurs amis si j'habitais à New York, mais je pense que c’est des conneries.

Dans les images, New York est brilliant, lumière, grattes-ciel, grandiose. Mais en réalité, c’est sale et pollué. Il y a des sacs de détritus sur le trottoir qui restent là de la nuit au matin ou plus longtemps. La rue sent la pisse et la métro est pire. Si tu habites à New York, tu vis avec les souris dans ton appartment et tu attend le métro avec des rats. L’autre jour, j’étais au resto, et une femme a crié. Il y avait un cafard sur le mur. On dit que si vous voyiez la cuisine d'un restaurant, vous ne voudriez plus manger là. C'est pareil dans d'autres restaurants, mais particulièrement dans cette ville.

Où j’habite, dans la banlieue, je n’ai pas peur que les animaux aient des microbes. Il y a des arbres, et la neige reste sur les arbres et les pelouses. L'air sent fraîs, et les détritus ne restent pas jusqu’au matin dans la rue. Eux les rassemblent à dix heures du matin. C’est calme, et je peux reflechir. Si j’habitais à New York je pourrais avoir plus d’amis, mais je perdrais mon temps, et ils seraient plus ennuyants que jamais.

Le raison principale pour laquelle je ne pourrais pas m’installer à New York est que je n’ai simplement pas l’argent. Le loyer seul serait trop cher, puis les charges, la nourriture, les boissons, le coût de la vie. Et la mode, les New Yorkais sont trop préoccupés par la mode. Ils sont toujours habillés branché et cool, et je ne peux pas, je ne veux pas suivre. J’aime faire des courses, mais c’est un perte d’énergie, et je crois que c’est un gâchi d'acheter tant de vêtements.

Posted by Lily at 09:53 AM

Thu | January 04, 2007

Mitsuba

So this new Japanese restaurant opened in my town. I've been taking a lot of walks and I used to always walk by to see how they were progressing. Somehow I became psychologically invested in them, because, I suppose, there aren't a lot of Asians around here, it's mostly white-dominant, so you look for little nods of recognition. That part of downtown Chatham is becoming a bit of an Asiatown. There is a Chinese takeout place and right next to it, Ott's Karate. Across the street you've got Mitsuba, and then the other corner is Taste of Asia. In the other direction, there's a Thai place. And then back the other way you have Bean Curd, which has been around the longest. I dunno who eats there though. I ate there once and it was just salty.

I ate at Mitsuba today, though, on their opening day, and it was okay sushi. The whitefish was a bit damp but otherwise everything was good. And I'm not sick so they pass the test. I was actually looking at their special rolls and asked for some recommendations and she recommended the lunch special, I think because they didn't actually have any of the special rolls. So I was like ok whatever, it would have been more expensive for me to buy the special rolls but sell me whatever you want. Sushi and sashimi lunch. I think next time I will try the one where you get to choose two rolls. But I went hard core and had some sashimi. I wanted to know right away if their food was good. None of this teriyaki cop out stuff that was going on at the next table.

I am not really that psychologically invested though. Really I just want a place to have lunch. And now I have it. There is even a nice little alcove that I can retreat to if I wish, I think. What's weird is it used to be a movie rental place and it seems smaller now. But the place is still pretty big. I think I just forgot how small the movie place was. And I think they also filled in a lot of space with all the wooden decor that they laid out. I looks great actually especially considering that the contractors were all just friends. I don't know how much they got paid, probably a fraction of the cost. But that chatty loose-lipped waiter guy said everyone who worked on it, or the primary people working on it all had four to seven years of experience putting together restaurants. Each one nicer than the rest. He also told me this was the second restaurant that this woman owned. And told me who the owner was. The host who was at the door. But when I asked her if she had another restaurant she said no. I think she was lying. I'm pretty good at telling, at least better than the average person. I just think she was. She had the same look as Shirley's mom did when she told that buyer at the show, years ago, that she was Taiwanese. I was like you're not fucking Taiwanese. I can't believe you would do that. No ethics. Doesn't know where to draw the line. It was kind of a turning point. Anyway so I think this woman lied to me but we'll see, I'll get her back. I also have a feeling this is the kind of woman who wears the same suit every day. We'll see, I'll straighten her out if she does. I already told her I liked her outfit. If she wears the same one the next time I see her I'll ask her if she's wearing the same clothes, don't you want to change a little? In chinese of course.

But their biggest problem right now is that their wait staff has no system. I asked John motormouth if he had ever waited tables before and he said no. So right there that was the problem. I think they probably never ate out that much at restaurants either. People kept asking me twice about everything, because the tables were not divided. It's crazy that they could miss this fundamental stuff. Maybe it really was her first restaurant. But so I got asked what I wanted to drink twice, and actually that was the only mistake, because I think they recognized me and were more aware of me after that. But it was weird not having someone who was "my" waiter. And at the next table and at other tables, people were being asked two or three times by different people if they needed the bill, etc. And I was asked like, two seconds after I opened the menu, what I wanted to order. They weren't paying attention at all or they had no sense of time. I was like, I just need a minute to read the menu. That's like exactly what I had to say. And she was like gone before I even finished the sentence. Also when I stopped eating for a second and started to read my book she asked me if I was done. I was like, no, no, I-- and she left abruptly. There were a few girls, all pretty much behaving the same way. They totally needed to chill, they were like itchy to always be doing something so they just kept asking you if you were ready for the next thing- drinks, ordering, finishing. Too rushed. But after awhile I think they got the vibe that my lunch was going to be leisurely. And I think others were taking their time too and they slowed down a bit. But mostly they have this confusing, enormous, problem that there are four waiters who don't know what's going on at each table, so you could get asked up to four times the same question. Someone really needs to tell them fast or they'll lose all the momentum that they have right now.

I was surprised at how much business they got on their first day. I kinda figured there would just be a few people there. But the place was like half full. I think I saw about thirty diners during the two hours that I was there. And my dad passed by on the way home from the train station and said it was quite busy inside. I bet that people were not pleased with the wait service though. I mean I could tell from watching people at lunch that they were like what the hell. I mean, I kind of wanted to tell them as I was leaving, because the woman did come over and talk to me. She is somewhat accessible which is good- I think that may be her redeeming factor. And I bet she is a lot more receptive than her two partners, who have day jobs and who will only be coming by at night. I am so amazing I got so much information out of them in one day. It's a good thing I am a friend. There was an ominous moment when I saw this older guy with an Arminio's polo walk around with a slightly worried look on his face. Arminio's is the pizza place across the street. I caught the briefest glimpse of- of someone looking for the first time at an impressive new place, but like, a bit painfully, like, oh shit this place puts mine to shame. But they are not really competitors, I don't think so. It will just drive more people to the area because there are more meal options now. I mean I think I am more likely to lunch in that area now because I have a few things to choose from. Anyway that look was priceless because it was so subtle and so natural. Because the place really is impressive when you walk in there. It's nice. There's a small glass waterfall in the entryway, and the floor is this highly polished red wood. The sushi bar has this neutral, stone tile wall, and the ceiling is highlighted with this bright green light that when they put it up, I looked in the window through the cracks in the newspaper and I was like, oh no, tacky decor. But it looks nice, it doesn't look clashy. I don't know how they made it work. Because that wood is red. It really pops, though, without looking too contrasty, which I think can happen when opposite colors are used.

Anyway so clearly some of the neighboring places are threatened, or feel threatened, but clearly there are people in the community who support it. The old ladies at the next table from me, who came at around 1:30, one of them got a phone call towards the middle of their meal, and all I heard was "I'm here." But evidently her friend had told her to go and she immediately did. I am not very connected within the town but I think that others are and news will pretty much spread immediately. Like, there are people just hanging out in their homes who will be able to come out within the hour if they are so motivated. Plus there were lots of people dressed for work, I have no idea where, but I guess there are some companies in this area that require freshly pressed shirts and dark pants. Who knew. Those were the ones who were most like what the hell. Ironically the servers left the old ladies alone because they didn't feel a need to impress them. But that's what they are supposed to do, to everyone. Constantly going up to the well dressed men and asking them stupid questions was just totally annoying them.

Anyway it was exciting. I am a suburbanite after all. I have lots of dead time and my pace is slow and diffuse. I have lived here a long time after all. It is difficult not to become one. The opening of a new restaurant downtown is a big event. And the degree that I am thinking about it, is nothing compared to the amount of collective micromanaging that the community will do here. There are obviously a lot of people interested in this restaurant, myself included. Simply because sushi is healthy and yummy and I crave it often enough that it's nice to have a place a ten minute walk away. Also because it's trendy and it's a step in the right direction for the town, a bit of multiculturalization. No one wants to be strictly white anymore. It's just not cool. A bit of international interest is in order.

Based on what I observed today, every individual who has any sort of free time in this town, either who works in the area or who lives here, will go to that restaurant, either went today or tonight, or will go tomorrow or Friday and when the weekend hits they better watch out. Which is why I worry about their wait staff because if they are not organized that will be one huge mess, as bad as it was today, it would be much worse if the place were actually full. Which it might very well be on Saturday and Sunday. They should get more waiters for the weekend. Anyway so far it's amazing how much business they already got. Without even actually having everything on their menu. When they do get that stuff it will be fun to try all the different special rolls. I will have new, meaningless goals in my life. No. I will try not to. But maybe I can go there and read like I did today, or even pull out a notebook and write. I don't think they would stop me. They are pretty much pushovers. I could sit there for three hours and they wouldn't give me hints to leave. That's pretty cool. And they are more or less affordable. I think my meal came to like seventeen bucks but you could get udon for like eight.Their dinner menu is more expensive though. No dinner deals. Not that it matters, I will probably not be going for dinner... though I'm looking at the menu now and it's pretty inexpensive for some things. The dinner combos are humongous, that's why. They could easily be split. My lunch was larger than it was supposed to be, based on what I am used to getting in New York.

I just hope the employees are okay. That is what I always hope for. I hope they don't work seven days a week. And if they do, I hope they get well-compensated. Lee Fong should take them out to dinner or something sometime to celebrate their new restaurant. She should take all the people who worked on it, out to dinner. I think a lot of it was just given in friendship and good will. Which is idiotic because they're never going to get anything back from her. I learned that lesson long ago but still need to break myself of that instinct. Anyway we'll see. She seems kind of influensable. Kind of. I think, most so at the beginning, now, is the time to unload all suggestions on her. Because later she will just be like, it's worked up til now, why should I start doing this other thing? That's how Shirley's mom is, and to some degree how George was at A&G. They are trapped by their own former success into thinking that their way is sufficient. Like when George wouldn't let me make a website for the company. He was like, we didn't get one before, why do we need one now. And I was just like, because you need one, and then I'll have internet to look at. That was all it really was. A desire to have internet at work. He didn't want that either. I bet they have it now. I mean the best way, if I had really invested the energy, to get at him would have been to get the clients to say that the company needed internet. I mean seriously. Just have them ask if they can check their email or whatever. I could have swung that. I just don't like manipulating people like Laura did though. But that was the way to do it. And so I think as a customer of this Mitsuba place, I could easily have influence, especially if some of my earlier suggestions prove true, then they will start to trust my judgment more. I could make it into the perfect place for myself. With fresh sushi, and a clean place, and everything. Maybe. I mean, maybe someone else would take care of it. But strangely, I might be the one to do it. After all, I am the only one who could really speak to them because I knew some Chinese. So we spoke Chinglish. I think that's the bridge. And the English speakers, I don't think they could get their point across. And the Chinese Chinese, because there were a few older adult Asians there, I don't think they really know what's needed, or I don't think they'd care enough to chat it up with the staff. The waiters were all in their twenties, I think, or young thirties, I couldn't tell, Asian years, but I think we could relate. Some of those girls really didn't speak good English at all and have a lot of learning to do. Not that I'm going to teach them. Even though I'm capable of it, I am loathe to work for free, either as an advisor to the restaurant or an English teacher. But I could, and I'm a lot better at teaching people English in bits, like I do with Charles, than Charles is at teaching me French. He just doesn't know how you have to talk to someone of limited ability in that language- the way my parents have always talked to me in Mandarin, and the way I talk to a lot of Asian immigrants. I talk to them all the time and I am able to communicate even when they only know a little English. I know how to use just the simple words. Whereas others seem to go more slangy and complicated and instead of simply repeating what they said or rephrasing it more simply, they say something else entirely. I don't know what they're doing. Jerks. Anyway so yeah English. No, talking. To the staff and the manager/owner. I think I might be the best one to do it. Not that I will, necessarily. We'll see. If I decide I hate them and this woman is selfish and will never reward her employees, then forget that. I think I should probably just focus on them liking me so I can sit there forever and maybe occasionally they won't charge me for my tea or dessert or something. That would be a nice perk. Free food. It happens. So I hear. Never to me yet but I have never really been a regular anywhere. Not that I necessarily would there. Getting ahead of myself. It's just that it's so close. To my house. I mean I could go sit at Arminios. But I just wouldn't. It's not as nice there. And there isn't an alcove like the one I have my eye on. And because this place is Asian it's a bit more like home turf. Whereas everywhere else is white, white, white. I am even kind of afraid to go to the sandwich shop. I've been there once. It's so local. Or the lunchonette next door, to Mitsuba. or whatever it is. A small diner. Too local. This new place, I could go there. Maybe. Sometimes. If I feel like it.

Posted by Lily at 01:06 AM

Wed | December 27, 2006

resolution n

Hang out more often in NJ. Find better places, cafes, and such, to hang out, in NJ. Maybe around Hoboken. I dunno. Maybe at diners. The trouble is whereever you go, people are likely to only be hanging out, not doing work or concentrating of any sort. Maybe there just isn't anywhere to go. But besides by myself, I am also going to try to hang out with others in NJ more often. I mean, the path is pretty easy to get to. No more of this going all the way to NYC just to see people nonsense. Or at least, considerably less of it.

Posted by Lily at 09:01 AM

Thu | December 21, 2006

Santa sale ou l'éléphant blanc

I went to a Dirty Santa party on Saturday, and exchanged a diamond-cut box of Ferrero Rocher chocolates for a moleskine journal. Which I thought was a pretty good outcome. I am glad I did not bring the earrings. Gender-specific gifts are difficult and there were a lot of guys there, and low-key girls who would have had no use for those fancy things- as fabulous as I myself believe they are. And a great steal... speaking of which, stealing in dirty santa is key. You must not open a new gift, if you can help it, because it could be obscene-shaped pasta. And middle numbers are best because some good things have been opened, but not stolen twice, whereas the early people will probably have to risk opening something, and the last people are pressured to stop the madness already and open the last gift. If you don't care about that then drawing a late number is okay, is better actually. You will have your choice of gift, except the most popular ones. But even those, you could be the second to steal and then it would be yours. Choosing something to second steal is better too because then you don't have to worry about anyone taking it from you. Or what I did was open the plastic on my journal and put it in my bag so that everyone forgot about it. Not that anyone wanted it. Coldstone gift card and candles were popular. In addition to my gorgeous chocolates.

Then there was karaoke (this was at Yello bar) and I stayed long enough for "Stand by Me" to come on and made the correct decision to stop at two drinks, because I had the mildest strain in my head as I went to sleep. Tsz says I drink too quickly and he's totally right. When they taste like fruit juice you really have to remind yourself that it's not.

Posted by Lily at 09:14 PM

c'est dommage

Well, I am sitting in Net Zone once again, because Pho 32 had a line, and je deteste lines. I was just thinking how great this fall has turned out to be, in some respects, despite my low expectations- I thought I would not celebrate any holidays starting way back from Halloween, through Valentine's Day (so perhaps it is too early to say) but so far I have celebrated them all-- I went to a Halloween party with Janica and Ari at ...Wally's house, and we carved a pumpkin using a power drill and ate yummy tabasco chicken; for Thanksgiving I saw my cousin and uncle and 2 aunts, in New York, what's that place called, in South Brooklyn... I forget. Anyway we went there, and we also saw the Macy's parade, in the rain. Oh and my birthday turned out okay too, because it existed, rather than not existing at all. So all that was left was Christmas, New Year's, Chinese New Year's, and Valentine's Day. Which is actually a lot, now that I am laying it out. But seeing as I really thought I would just do nothing, ever, I think that regardless I should be happy with what I got, even if none of these other holidays turn out, which I do not necessarily forsee them doing so. We'll throw my sister's 30th bday in there too. I would be unhappy if we didn't do anything, which I think we will not. I would be unhappy vicariously, like I would be unhappy for her because I would want her to have some commemoration.

But anyway one part of Christmas and this time of year is seeing a Christmas movie. And I was all set to see one, tonight, in fact it was even called "The Holiday," and instead I forgot my cell phone and since nothing can happen now, I am thus am sitting in Net Zone moping. I suppose this is a lesson in planning ahead... or not leaving your cell phone by the sink... or not thinking, hey things are going okay, because then they start to go wrong. Not that it's that bad to hang out here, I haven't been in awhile and forgot how much I usually like it here. Not that things were going so okay. In fact only the holidays were, a lot of the other stuff was still stalling. But I was thinking, things were sort of better with respect to the holidays than I had expected, and getting some gladness from that. Oh and Kaplan's holiday party is going on right now, and I am not there... the very idea of my going would have been completely out of the blue. But that's another story. (How many cliches can I use consecutively?) That's another reason I was really looking forward to being somewhere else, doing something equally fun, or at least comparably so.

Posted by Lily at 09:08 PM

Tue | December 19, 2006

Ce que j'aime au sujet du koreatown

In Koreatown they speak Korean to you. Even if you're obviously not Korean. But maybe I'm not obviously not Korean.

I spend a fair amount of time wondering how Chinatown, NY and Maddox Jolie-Pitt are doing.

Posted by Lily at 07:05 PM

Tue | December 12, 2006

je vais perdre dix kilos

Lily's traineo Page

I am going to lose twenty pounds. I shall only eat natural things. I have thus decided. Because natural things do not generally have so many calories. It's the processed things that pack on the fat and the salts. Like cakes and cookies and pizza. Cheese. Ice cream. I ate tortellini for lunch today but we will say that is okay. And in the morning, some coffee with ice cream, is also ok. For dinner, chinese broccoli and rice with yams. For a snack instead of ring dings I ate a persimmon. and a few handfuls of peanuts.

How hard would it be to --well, there are some things on line that let you track your weight. Google 15 and traineo. I have signed up for. But I don't think I will use them. I will just keep my weight on a spreadsheet like I thought. I don't like either google 15 or traineo's graphs.

My friends are useless. After talking with my friend I went and ate chocolate covered pretzels.

Posted by Lily at 10:22 PM

Mon | December 11, 2006

mon régime

For lunch I am eating squash. For breakfast I had a large mug of coffee with ice cream. I have decided to focus on mundane goals and see if I can achieve them. I think I can lose twenty pounds and fit into my pants again. The ones that I never really got to wear. It's a pity. I am now two sizes away.I think I can do it. Except for the fact that I ate a bag of swedish fish yesterday. 3.5 servings. and that I eat microwaved pizza a lot. No more. I think I am going to lose weight by simply not eating crap. And maybe going on a walk a few times a week. Even if it's cold. Today doesn't seem too cold so maybe I should go. No excuses...

Blech. The thing about healthy food is it doesn't taste as good so you eat less. Four pieces of squash and I don't even think I am going to eat this last one. Also, going out on weekends there is the dessert trip after dinner. A blight on the wallet as well as the diet. And the bubble tea I had on Friday. Though I had sushi for dinner so I suppose that's healthy. I am going to weigh myself every Wednesday. I may just make myself more depressed, which doesn't even seem possible. But I think I can achieve this goal, especially since others have done it. And it's a conversation topic, it's something that everyone can relate to. I think others will support me in this one. Most people are annoying though and tell you you don't need to lose weight. I don't like convincing them that I need to by telling them that my pants don't fit.

Posted by Lily at 12:00 PM

Thu | December 07, 2006

envoyer une carte

Bienvenue sur la Poste.fr – envoi de courrier et de colis, services financiers

I sent this card to Eric, for his 30th bday, and I only put a 37 cent stamp on it, for aesthetic reasons, because it was a small card and the way I wrote the address, it would have looked all cramped if I had put more stamps on. It looked cramped already as it was. One must remember to put the stamps on first, and then write the address. Next time. Anyway so I put only one stamp, perhaps because I also have a desire to challenge society, yet can only do so in small, meaningless ways, because I am like the man from Notes from Underground.

At the post office, there is just an open slot for the mail. Actually I think there is a drawer below it for bigger envelopes but that would entail touching the handle. So I toss the card like a frisbee through the slot, but while walking home it occurs to me that I might have sent it over the basket that is behind the slot, and onto the floor. So I dunno. After spending the time to glue shiny tinsel 30's to a card my little token of goodwill may never reach its destination.

Posted by Lily at 02:06 PM

Wed | December 06, 2006

une petite victoire

One of my GRE students got an 800 on his math and 730 on his verbal. Bwah ha ha. And he said in his email, "if I thought it was a breeze I wouldn't have gone to class," because at the end of the class I was like, "(name) thinks this is a breeze now." And he was like no, definitely not. So clearly he still thought he had stuff to work on. And he did. He must have answered every question correctly. So I feel good that he did so well and he told me about it. I guess the only bittersweet aspect of it is that I feel like I won’t get "credit" for my work. I helped him get an 800 on his math and what do I get? I did ask him to fill out his survey. So that’s good. I hesitated at the time but now I feel that it was undoubtedly the least I should have done for myself.

So now I feel okay. Yesterday I felt so miserable that I went to bed at like 9 pm and just lay there, turning on the light once or twice to read Petit Nicholas or Petit ours brun. Because I wasn't really tired. Just at a loss as to what to do with myself. The last thing I remember is that I opened my shoebox of receipts and organized them a little. Then I felt well enough to fall asleep. Steve called at 12:42 and I suppose I was asleep by then, but I don’t know, I had no sense of time.

Posted by Lily at 01:38 PM

Fri | December 01, 2006

sac mignon

Macy*s - tokidoki for LeSportsac "Ciao Ciao"

This is the kind of bag I would like to buy but don't. Because it's not socially acceptable or preferable for someone my age to carry a bag like this. I could, but it would be a bit childish. And I don't think I could singlehandedly make it acceptable. Il faut porter un sac noir. ou plus normal que celui-ci.

Posted by Lily at 10:05 PM

Mon | November 27, 2006

l'hésitation commence

It's very easy to say, after you didn't do something, that you should have. Mais maintenant c'est lundi encore et j'hésite about whether to go to lundi français. I am leaning towards yes, if only because last week I didn't go. Hedge my bets. Still, it seems far away. And yet, it's right near Penn Station; I couldn't ask for it to be any closer. I must think of all the people who drag themselves to the city daily. This is nothing. And afterwards, whenever I decide to leave, I will go somewhere and do french exercises, or something. Hopefully it will motivate me to make good use of the next three hours. Then tomorrow is a whole nother day. But that is thinking too far ahead, for me. I think though, that tonight, would be a good night to go, and je simplement dois cesser de penser cela.

Posted by Lily at 12:19 PM

Wed | November 22, 2006

dommage....

Gai m'a dit que le dernier meetup «lundi français» était genial. Je ne suis pas allée au recontre parce que j’étais fatiguée, je suis sortie vendredi et samedi, et travaille dimanche. J'avais peur que je ne pourrais pas le faire. Mais je devrais être allée. Je fais toujours moins que je peux. La prochaine fois... je dois apprendre, je dois changer, m'améliorer.

Posted by Lily at 02:39 PM

Tue | November 21, 2006

Vendredi noir où Acheter rien?

Buy Nothing Day - ADBUSTERS.ORG

Well I was thinking to celebrate my birthday by going to the mall and seeing what was up for Black Friday, which I have never participated in. I went to the mall once on the day after Thanksgiving, with Teresa Chuang and Jessica Moltisanti, years and years ago. Must have been 1995. But I didn't even know it was called Black Friday, back then.

I was looking online to see what was up and I found information about stores where I don't typically shop, which I think is a bad idea. I think I will just go to my usual spots... Macy's, the Gap, Anthropologie... and see what's going on with them.

I also found information about Buy Nothing Day, which I do remember hearing about, in college. And probably observing. Explicitly that year, and inadvertently every year besides that.

So I think I will still go to the mall early on Friday, if I feel like it. Early means... 10. Maybe I will also go to Bloomingdale's and Banana Republic, Sephora, Nordstrom. Express. I don't need anything, though. Besides FAT PANTS. And a Mac to replace my decrepitating PC. Hmm... Short Hills opens at 8. OMG Godiva is giving away free chocolates. And... that's it. Don't even know what these other stores are.

Really, though, I have a feeling that your "success" on Black Friday depends on your knowing employees who will tell you where the sales are. The woman at the Origins counter at Macy's gave me a little sample size ginger lotion when I got my face cream last month. How many times have I bought stuff from them and they don't give me anything. Then there was the time that the same woman, I think, gave me the still-nearly-full tester of grapefruit body gloss. Because it was discontinued. I didn't even buy anything that time. I was like, thanks. I just went there to ask about some other product that they didn't have. So anyway in the cosmetics department, especially, there are all these little freebies and bonuses you can get, if you chat up the reps a bit. Not that I ever do. But I see it happening, and I can just tell by looking at them, that these old puckered wasps are hoarding things. I mean sometimes they are younger and prettier but mostly they're seche. It's not fair because they give all the prizes to others like them.

DKNY, Coach. Free People. Gap has cashmere sweaters... Max Studio. kind of boring. That's it, that's all the places I ever go, ever. Papyrus. Pottery Barn, Crate and Barrel. Have not bought more than a bookstand from them. Victoria's Secret.

Posted by Lily at 07:54 PM

Ma fête d'anniversaire était ok

My birthday was okay. It was a relief because at certain points I thought it would be awful....in part because last year I tried to have a get-together and it didn't work out. This year was much better, a nice dinner of eight and some hanging out at the restaurant bar with a few more.

I think I work better in conjunction with people. Even though Chrissa hardly did anything to organize the dinner, it couldn't have happened without her. First of all because I wouldn't have done it for myself. I have trouble working for myself, because of my collectivist background. For myself I would have given up. But since she was involved I couldn't bring myself to say forget it, let's not do anything. So I kept researching, and thinking, and eventually it did come together at the end.

I did all this research (like, tons of it) and came up with all these ideas and she helped choose the appropriate one. That's what Chrissa is for me-- a voice of reason, of common sense. It seems like an easy, obvious last step and in a way it is. Yet that's precisely where I would go wrong... I won't definitely choose the obvious even if I sort of know it. Perhaps I am too exhausted from looking all over the place, considering everything, to think straight. So we work well together, because Chrissa is very well-grounded and she won't let go of these basics. In retrospect the Half King was the right place for us, for the group in question. It leaned towards the white but so did the group. Next year, if I do something, it will have to be asiatique. I have really outgrown fitting in at white places, it's just that some of my old friends don't know it.

I don't know if I will do it next year. Even if she is around. I think my friendships are dwindling, rather than growing. They are the same friends as I had years ago yet they become more and more irrelevant and out of touch. Though then again most of the people who came for my bday were relatively new, within the last two years, or so, rather than old college friends. So maybe I am moving in some sort of direction. Who knows. It's nice to have the same friends over the years, so you feel like you're growing, instead of just trying to start new things constantly. But if they aren't relevant it doesn't matter whether they show up or not. And something about my college friends... their ideology is always at odds in some crucial way. I don't know if I have higher expectations of them or what. But I really think I can find better friends elsewhere. That it must be possible.

There is a weak idea in circulation that it's egotistical to think about your birthday. But I think I am anything but an egotist. In fact I think about others most of the time... that's my modus operandi. I like birthdays because it's the one day of the year that is your day. If I were selfish the rest of the year then my birthday wouldn't be a big deal. But anyway I am a big fan of birthdays.

Posted by Lily at 02:32 PM

Wed | November 15, 2006

C'était horrible.

There were three main categories of people at last night's Mandarin language meetup:

Dorky, tactless Asian guys. There is nothing worse than dorky, tactless Asian guys. Their goals are so transparent; their desperation is so palpable. I feel like I've been slimed. Actually there is something worse (group #3 below, who shall be flayed in due time).

As soon as I walked into Sui lounge, I was accosted by two short dorky Asian guys, Jack and Jeff, or John and Jeff, or something, who talked to me in English. I asked them (in Mandarin) if they spoke Mandarin, and they said a little. We spoke Mandarin for about five seconds before they reverted to English again. Really, I went there to practice and learn some Chinese. I didn't go there to be ogled by dorky guys in English. If they had done it in Mandarin, I might have tolerated it. But this was too much. I moved on...

Too-nice Asian women. I met one of the few women there- a super-cute Asian girl who was an official greeter. She handed me a yellow flash card. She spoke to me in English also. I replied in Mandarin but she kept speaking in English. She told me to make a sentence from the word on my card and try to match with someone else's card. I thought this is soooo fucking nerdy and I don't want to do this. But not a trace of that was evident in my response. After all, there is some too-nice Asian girl in me as well. I said okay and took the card.

Clammy white middle-aged men. The next few unfortunate minutes were spent talking to a forty-something white guy, from Belarus. He at least had some working knowledge of Mandarin and knew some things. His accent was horrible, no tones at all, not even an attempt at them. He had studied Mandarin for a few years but didn't have a ton to show for it. "Mandarin is harder," Steve told me later. I don't fucking care. Learn it. I really don't think it's that difficult. I mean, French challenges me in its pronunciation and everything. But I am finding ways to learn it. I am dealing with it. If I can deal with it, they can deal with it. Chinese is not hard. These people are just lazy. And these middle-aged white men, I spoke to a few, were generally incompetent at Mandarin. I taught this Russian for a little bit but then I was like, I didn't come here to teach Mandarin for free.

The group should be renamed "Spoon-Feed Mandarin to White People" because that was the predominant activity there. I think they meant well, but the truly fluent Mandarin speakers were mostly supporting the white people, who really hadn't invested anything into their Mandarin. This isn't the way to encourage Mandarin speaking, because if you don't demand anything of anyone, they are never going to be committed to it. From my end, I tried to make it clear that if they didn't bring anything to the table they weren't going to eat there. But these other girls were being so super nice to them, letting them dominate the conversations, and as a result, of course, the fans of the group are mostly white men who don't enjoy working for anything.

That and all the desperate Asian guys. Ick. There are simply thousands of super-cute Asian girls in the city. Most of them make me look like a neanderthal, they are so cute. None of them were at this meetup, because they were probably scared away by the hoard of Asian guys ready to ambush them. I sure as hell am not going back.

The thing about Asian guys is that they are tremendously bad at learning. I am bad at learning so I recognize a bad learner when I see one. As bad as I am, these guys are worse. After a few minutes of talking, I left, without much ceremony, which you would think was kind of a sign that I didn't want to talk anymore. They followed. Made me suffer through more stupid English conversations. Finally I said, if you don't want to speak Mandarin I don't want to talk to you. And they were like who whooo. I was so not having fun. I was like That was not a flirtation device. You're such an idiot. The meaning of my sentence was go the fuck away. Instead they kept speaking just bits of mandarin and then English, and worse, repeating themselves in English, giving a translation.

I did get the email of this one Asian girl, who is 30, and maybe I'll email her. We're both middle children and she has a little sister with the same name as me. There is the small problem that I wrote a long response to the email survey I got in my inbox last night, explaining what I thought was wrong with the meetup (i.e. too much English) and submitted it only to find that it was automatically published on the website. Whoops. Mostly what I wrote was still acceptable, not a complete disaster, but I don't think I would have written that much if I had known. I didn't even write that much, but in that format it looks like a lot. Especially since most people said nothing. Anyway maybe that girl will not hate me for it. We'll see if she emails me back. It's not a big deal either way because she's mostly a too-nice Asian girl who totally allowed the white men to come over and talk to her. Maybe I won't even bother emailing her.

It just makes me realize how far I am from my white-respecting days, and how I don't belong with anyone anymore. It's very depressing. At the same time I did decide that my birthday party would be at the Half King, which is a white a place as any. It was basically Chrissa's influence though, because she didn't take to any place I suggested but as soon as she saw their divey website she was like, let's just go here. And I was like ok whatever. So we are having dinner instead of drinks, and I am going to have to sit and tolerate this for an hour or however long it takes us to eat, and then it will be over and I can crawl back into my cave. And next year I won't have a birthday celebration, I will just stop this madness.

Posted by Lily at 09:03 PM

Tue | November 07, 2006

salam!

Had Ethiopian food last night with Ari. Also went to a university event and ate brownies and cookies. The admissions process at NYU seems to be a mildly guided lottery. There is no hope in sight for me, of any change in my situation. Que lastima. I feel that I am drifting out to sea, and moving just to stay afloat, but really I must do a lot more than this, to get to shore, and yet I really can't. Maybe it is more like I am building something, but just very very slowly, and with no real signs of progress. Also, Juked emailed me yesterday morning and rejected my story. Go figure. I didn't feel like going to NYU after that but I did anyway and I am really glad I did because I got some good insight into their program and their admissions process. It will be a miracle if I even manage to put an entire application together. And a waste of $90.

Posted by Lily at 03:05 PM

Sun | November 05, 2006

chaque bar à New York

I estimate that I have now spent ten hours reading about bars in New York, in an effort to come up with a location for a birthday celebration for myself and Chrissa. Waste of time, really. Yet I couldn't help myself because that sort of information, like Yahoo answers, is so manageably parsed that you can just keep reading a little bit more. (I have ...610 points on Answers and 23% best answers) Anyway it's a waste of time, the bar thing, because I am not going to go to these bars that I'm reading about and at the end of it all my bday celebration may very well be a complete wash... in fact I kind of didn't want to have it, but ultimately decided to go through with it, rather than tell Chrissa that I don't know if I can count on anyone to be there.

Posted by Lily at 10:30 PM

Fri | October 27, 2006

si j'avais un travail

If I worked full time I'd tear myself out of bed at the crack of dawn to the tune of alarms. I'd feel dizzy while I dressed, and in the winter my clothes would be cold. I'd wear mostly dress pants and I'd have a dry cleaning bill. And a monthly train pass bill, and lunch, and possibly dinner- I'd have so many expenses my salary would probably hardly cover it. I'd sit in the office all day and either not talk or engage in small talk. The co-workers would talk about their breath mint tin collection. We'd never talk about life, love, writing, or the exploitation of minorities.

At home I do not have health care, or a sense of acceptance of myself. But I can bob up and down and sing Je vais prendre ta douleur! I have a beautiful view out the picture window, of trees. Behind the trees is the street and houses, but the trees mostly block that out. They are evergreen but in the background the deciduous are reddening. On my desk I have my applejack MLP and my orange spice candle. I have the speaker on, or I have my huge padded headphones. I have my yoga mat, so I can do situps whenever I feel like it. I can go for a walk. I get up at noon.

Posted by Lily at 01:49 PM

Tue | October 24, 2006

chiens mignons

Cute dogs: pomeranian, pomeranian chihuahua, pomeranian poodle, maltese poodle, maltese poodle + shih-tzu, peekapoo, japillon, japeke, bichon + shi-tzu = zuchon. I would like one of these dogs that is a ball of fur and has the air of a perpetual toddler. They have a lifespan of about fifteen years, so if I got one now I would have it til I was in my mid-forties. It seems better to grow old with a cute little dog, rather than with a cat. I like cats but they are not cute like these little dogs.

Posted by Lily at 01:42 PM

Fri | October 20, 2006

here it comes...

Friday blues. Most people have Monday blues. I don't mind Monday. But Friday is like, what the hell am I doing, and why is everyone's life so fulfilled but mine, why don't I even have a real job, real friends, or a real boyfriend? And more importantly why am I incapable of having a real job? Why do I buckle at every obstacle?

Today I tried to check it by going to get sashimi for lunch and then futilely strolling the mall for a good place to sit and do writing exercises. (noted: the mall has no good places to sit and do writing exercises, except for the restaurant on the third floor of Bloomingdale's, which is guarded by a snobby man, who is behind not a podium, like at a normal restaurant, but behind an entire receiving counter, like at a hotel.) It tempered the misery a little, but I can still feel it coming.

Also, I'm sorta losing interest in French. I mean, I'm not a Francophile. I don't know why I'm learning yet another European language. I don't want to be a dabbler so I won't abandon it just yet, but I'm already on the way out. Unfortunately if I am feeling this way now, French may go the way of the Chekhov project.

Posted by Lily at 05:55 PM

Wed | October 18, 2006

m'envies

A "what the hell am I watching" feature on televisions that tells you what you're watching. Like a button on your remote that you can push and it'll appear on the screen. That channel 15 thing that just scrolls the listings by, doesn't tell me what's on channel 10.

A website that lists how everything ends. especially movies that you're watching on television but know you shouldn't, and are only watching because you're hooked and want to see what happens at the end, and you finally tear yourself away from it, only to find that now you can't sleep and you feel scared, because in your head these people are still in this very precarious, unresolved situation.

Posted by Lily at 03:02 AM

Mon | October 16, 2006

m'envies

someone to tell me which literary magazines are good

and:
more friends, better friends, fewer problems, more successes, daily hugs, better productivity, plans for the weekend, the feeling that I will have a nice weekend, which would get me through the week, instead of the doubt that anything will come through, which is supported by precedent; optimism, a daily routine, to speak french, fewer crappy friends, more AIM buddies, fewer AIM updates, a sense of direction, knowing which end is up, less wasting time, more consistency, a good writers group, or two, or three, stability, a set of friends like in sex and the city- stable, loyal- or a disillusionment of that myth, so that I no longer wish for it; more money, or not feeling that I am going to run out of money, as soon as I spend it; better eating habits; to fit into my pants again; not necessarily fewer problems, but more successes; a better haircut; fewer split ends; less oversleeping, which also probably makes me fat; straighter teeth, reduced overbite; no dark circles under my eyes, symmetrical eyebrows; or maybe not that; a boyfriend, one that I am sincere about, for once, or someone to date; a good day, a good week, better benchmark feedbacks, less competition and insidiousness, or better ability to deal with it, because right now, any amount of it is immediately toxic.

Posted by Lily at 11:54 AM

Thu | October 12, 2006

des jours fériés que je ne vais pas célébrer

I don't really like this time of year, because although I enjoy wearing sweaters, it is holiday season. Halloween, Thanksgiving and my birthday, Christmas, New Years, Chinese New Years, Valentines. Now is the time all these holidays will come up one after another and I won't be celebrating any of them properly. Christmas I don't really mind missing, in fact it doesn't make sense for me to celebrate it and I shouldn't. I am kind of against Thanksgiving as well, because it represents colonialism.

But the others I support, and I probably won't be doing anything as cool as what I see on tv, which is depressing. Last year for Halloween I was a jedi, and went to a sparsely attended party at Eric's friend Will's. I also went to a party at Midori's apartment in the Village. Which was better and I should have stayed there just a while longer. I don't remember what I did for Thanksgiving and I'm pretty sure I didn't do anything for my birthday, and for Christmas the only celebration I had was the Kaplan holiday party. For New Years I hung out with Janica at Seth's friend's apartment, and Valentines I was with Josh. That was fun for the sushi part and not the rest.

The sad thing is that I'm grateful I had any plans at all for these holidays last year. Like, I didn't meet Josh until a few weeks before Valentines, and New Years only happened because Seth happened to be visiting NJ. I doubt I'll find my way over to the Kaps party, and even if I did, I'm not sure whom I'd hang out with. Maybe I'd find Ray and catch up with him. And my birthday, last year I recall trying to get a group together, realizing that I didn't have a cohesive group of friends, and giving up. Chrissa is around now so maybe we'll do something. I kind of feel like we did something last year but I have no idea what. This year I'm pretty sure I'm not going to try, for any of these holidays. Especially since I now view them as one bloc of "holiday season" and that way, it seems insurmountable. So I give up now, on all of them. I am just going to wait them out.

It will be half a year before they're all over, and then after Valentines, this particular reason to feel crappy kind of goes away for several months, only to return again the next year.

Posted by Lily at 10:52 AM

Wed | October 11, 2006

l'évaluation

Well I had my second post-observation meeting last night, or "meeting," since I wound up just talking to her on the phone for a few minutes, since she couldn't actually make it to meet me. I didn't even bill them for it because I was like, whatever. There was something fishy going on, because Bryan is always hanging about. or maybe that's a coincidence. But at any rate something fishy was going on because Kiley I think initially had a very positive review and then when I talked to her it was just normal, and the weirdest thing she said was that she was pleased with all the teachers at the Maplewood location. I mean how can she say that all four teachers were great, because I know that Pam is perpetually late, and even from the briefiest peek at her classroom it's immediately evident that her kids want to die, and I overheard one of them lamenting that he wasn't learning anything. And the other girl, whatever her name is, is obviously a newbie, I mean how can she be evaluated the same way. They may even have better evaluations than mine. Last night I looked at this random guy Brian's sheet, because he happened to be there, and I happened to be quick enough on my feet (for once) to ask him for it, which he readily gave me, in all good will, and he got better marks than I did, and he's a newbie. I mean it really doesn't matter what he got, it only matters what I got, really, but now I know that they aren't grading everyone that harshly. I never know what's going on, I haven't understood grades since the middle of high school, when I was disabused of the notion that grades were an objective measure of achievement. I never argued about grades in college when I got less than what someone who knew less than me did. I watched people get A's and let it all go until finally I had absolutely no spirit left and took all my classes S/NC. All it taught me is that I can't win, and I don't fight for the top spot, I just try to nurse my wounds and try to get over it.

And I just wonder because she said she was talking to her boss beforehand. About what? I don't even know whom she reports to. Dave, I think. She asked me if I had any questions and I didn't have any. I should have thought of something on the spot, just to keep the conversation going, and maybe she would have revealed something else. But as it were I didn't learn much at all, and let it all go, let them have their way, however they wanted to evaluate me. It's all a vicious cycle because the more I let that happen, and I always have, on previous evaluations also, the more it becomes a habit and policy of theirs. I don't understand it, which is the worst part, is that I don't understand why.

Posted by Lily at 09:58 AM

Tue | October 10, 2006

nouveau réfrigérateur

We just got a new fridge. The amigos who moved it in were in a big rush. I felt bad for them because they were so nice, and the leader was handsome too. Curly hair, and taller proportions than his homey. They were clearly under pressure to work really fast. As soon as he finished he called a number from the land line and punched in some numbers. He moved the new fridge in and the old one out in under ten minutes from the time the truck stopped in front of the house. His name is Marco, it says so on the card. I kind of wish I could do something to help... but there is nothing. If he wants a better working situation he will have to work it out for himself. I dislike America so much.

Posted by Lily at 10:07 AM

Mon | October 09, 2006

ce soir

Josh signed off one second after I IM'd him. Everyone signed off. Class sucked and I felt crappy. Like I am only allowed to have one good day and then everything turns crappy again. No one is online and no one picked up the phone. Or hardly anyone. I am not going to call people anymore when I am in a crappy mood. It's a bad habit. It only feeds the vicious cycle because then you feel worse when people don't have time to talk to you, or you don't have anyone to call and realize how few friends you have. I am not going to use my cell phone anymore and I am going to stop using AIM. I played chuzzle, that game I just started playing a few days ago, and got to level 12. But didn't feel any better and still felt horrible. Today was unproductive looking back on it and I can tell this whole week is going to be crappy. I give up on everything, I really do. Even this writer thing, who am I kidding. It's a false sense of purpose is what it is. And without it, I am even more miserable. That's great, just when I thought I couldn't feel worse, I had to go and think about that. Now I am just going to stare at my empty buddy list.

Posted by Lily at 11:25 PM

Sun | October 08, 2006

Le festival du New Yorker

I went to hear TC Boyle read at the New Yorker festival. It was kind of like the PEN crowd-- affluent, late middle-aged, complacent. That's what they get for charging twenty dollars for a reading and scheduling it at 9:30 on a Friday night. Or maybe they get that no matter what. The audience sat in the center of the room-- a warehouse turned dance studio, black all around with a small, perhaps makeshift stage in front-- in a block of fold-up chairs with a lot of space on all sides. I had a momentary inclination to sit in the back, where there were two rows of completely open seats, so as not to disturb anyone. Not that it had started or anything. Anyway I got over that and walked up a little more and sure enough found a single spot the third seat in, from the fifth row. Or I didn’t count the rows, but that’s where I guess I was.

The roly-poly in front of me examined her purse with her husband, discussing its features, its clasps. Later in the reading, when I laughed at one too many lines from Mr. Boyle’s story, she shifted, did that quarter turn thing, that means, stop having fun, it's not allowed. And I wasn't even having that much fun but she was having less, or none, is the point. I didn't listen to her, I've outgrown listening to everyone else, and it's not even like I was laughing, loud, or often. In fact I was surprised she heard me. Immediately after the reading she said I'm about ready to go to her husband, but they stayed for the Q&A, probably because no one else got up.

I'm glad I went, because he was cool, and I just wanted to hug him, is all. I just wanted to hug him and be like you're so cool and I love you, and I'm sorry you had to read to these awful people who do nothing but dine out and purchase silk scarves. He was nice, though, to all of them, and didn't reveal any aversion, unlike Andrea Lee, who basically said that readings were a chore. It's like way to push away everyone who just came to see you. I wish I had a question for him, but I hadn't thought about it and I didn't think of any on the spot. I'm not really good at asking questions at readings. I should practice, or something, because it's much better to interact on some level.

Posted by Lily at 03:17 PM

Fri | October 06, 2006

je suis de mauvaise humeur

In a rotten mood because I got evaluated, or rather, I had a post-observation meeting last night. I always agree, I never argue, but then I go off and sulk over it by myself. He didn't say anything really negative, but the official record-- my evaluation, on that sheet, was not so hot.

Also I have inadvertently antagonized Bryan, the most competitive person at EHKC, by taking on his tutoring student, whom I didn't know was his, or I would not have taken her, just to avoid the conflict. He can't let anyone win anything, he wants it all for himself, and he won't be happy until that's the case.

Sigh, and the person who evaluated me was just another teacher, and not even a better one, from the glimpses I've gotten from walking by his classroom. I can only assume he was impartial, but it's in his best interest to rate me on the low side because it makes him look better.

I also got observed (by someone else) on Wednesday. Apparently it's evaluation season at EH Kaps. I think that location was under question. Or something. Perhaps I will find out when I go to that post-observation meeting.

Posted by Lily at 02:30 PM

Mon | October 02, 2006

le problème avec être malheureuse...

is that I buy stuff. Not these shoes, but I might have bought these shoes, which would have been completely wrong, since it is completely out of my price range, but I might have, and then that would have been bad.... instead I bought some stuff on Amazon France, and paid about twenty dollars in shipping, also bad, but not as bad by comparison. Still, I can't really afford to pay for this personal hoarde of French materials that I am amassing faster than I can properly consume. I am getting ahead of myself. And yet some of the materials I have are too advanced, so I try to get easier things. I got a book that is for three year olds, I think I should be able to read that...

Posted by Lily at 02:25 PM

J'ai besoin...

A job therapist

More friends

To have fun on weekends

More people on AIM

Writing fun

Writing friends

Daily hugs

Make that, twice-daily, at least

Posted by Lily at 02:09 PM

sigh...

Crappy weekend. Not awful, but I hardly saw anyone. I need to see people, in a productive, fulfilling way. Maybe I need to make things like classes more fulfilling. But really I think I just need to go out more, for fun. Easier said than done. I was busy the whole time so in that sense the weekend was productive. It was a good weekend, productivity wise, because I went to the NYPL on Saturday and wrote some stuff. But it's completely against my nature to spend weekend after weekend essentially alone, and having no fun. Also I need to find a way to more clearly differentiate between fact and fiction on here.

Last night I bought tickets to the New Yorker festival, which were kind of a rip off, because it's just a reading. I mean you can get those for free at Barnes and Noble and just about everywhere. But anyway so I will have something to do on Friday. I wonder if I will be the only one there by myself.

Posted by Lily at 11:43 AM

Sat | September 30, 2006

un cari de boeuf

Made curry from scratch last night. Even the powders were fresh- we crushed coriander and cumene seeds in a mortar. Tumeric and garlic and chili. It didn't turn out sooo well but I thought it was ok. Mostly the beef wasn't that great. What was amazing was that we had all the ingredients. except crushed tomatoes, so we used tomato paste. Onions and potatoes and beef. I had thought that curry was a spice on its own, but apparently it's a blend of things. Henry thought a clove of garlic was the whole bulb. He was like, I can't believe I have to peel a nother one of these.

Posted by Lily at 11:15 AM

Tue | September 26, 2006

la fin du jour

The day ends with a diagram of memoir class-- two columns, the same list of names on the left and right, and lines in various colors to map "who talks to whom" relationships. All of which was not so effective, but did clarify some things that should have been obvious already, that I was already aware of, on some level, and seem obvious in retrospect.

Then I started to weigh the various things I could be doing, while not doing any of them. And I emailed, which was a time-eater, and why I should not email late at night. Mostly just spacing out, and looking at ebay. Another thing I should avoid late at night.

Posted by Lily at 01:39 AM

Sat | September 23, 2006

mon portable, c'est vraiment perdu

things I could be doing but I am not doing because I am too weak from prolonged isolation and deprivation of satisfying social contact

looking for my cell phone
the freelance assignments that were tossed at me about a week ago
prepping for psat class
finding directions to psat class
organizing my binders/ printouts
making copies of my submission to fort greene group
thinking of how to be a better teacher/ tutor
putting my summer shoes away
organizing the shirts in the right-side drawers of my white bureau
capitalizing and punctuating
reading, completing, book of the moment (after the plague)
french exercises, which I am in danger of dropping when things seem meaningless
mentally prioritizing my to do list, instead of adding frivolous things to it, and not doing any of it

things I didn't do today but could have, as long as I was doing nothing

cook dinner
iron shirts
wash shirts
anything in the previous list
sit-ups
go for a walk

things I did today

laundry
read entertainment weekly and star, after successfully resisting for several hours-- not even resisting, but forgetting completely
actually read parts of the BAM. I feel like there might be relevant information in that magazine, and yet historically I have not been able to get myself to read it, not that I have tried very hard.
ate ramen noodles for the second day in a row
then had two root beer floats
and other junk food I forgot what

more things I could be doing

writing
formatting these lists, and not ruining the style of my blog

things I did today

said that I would stop pretending things are okay
washed hair and tried unsuccessfully to blow it out
exfoliated

things I could be doing

all the errands that came up on my yahoo reminders recently-- back up files, etc.

things I did

played puzzle games on yahoo that I had not played before- bejeweled and something 2.

things I am going to do tomorrow and in the future

mope around without reservation
dump all the crappy friends who don't have time for me and who treat me like crap
feel crappy and deprived of sufficient social resources
appreciate the positive aspects of people

i gave henry my monitor because I don't use it. hardly ever. who am I kiding, I said, and I was going to give it to my dad but my mom stopped me by complaining about it with her incessant reservations and always saying negative things in response to anything you are thinking of doing, which i no longer have any tolerance for, while I am in this enervated state, that will go on indefinitely, because it is caused by years of isolation that could be traced back as early as high school or even middle school, but mostly a post-college phenomenon, I think. at any rate so at the end of it all it went to henry. which is fine, i don't think my dad is unhappy with his huge clunky monitor, which was my mom's argument for not giving him this better one. which I don't use. and had no real use for, only a theoretical use for. and it was taking up space on my desk. henry said I should sell it because it was basically brand new, but I just gave it to him, because I am nice like that, and wish that people would be nicer like that, but it's hopeless, nothing will change it, not significantly anyway.

this windows xp sticker is quite tenacious. the one on my laptop that has been here since I got it in jan 2004. or dec 2003. I forget.

wishlist

restraint

Posted by Lily at 12:48 AM

Fri | September 22, 2006

Je ne peux faire rien

I think I am going to stop pretending everything is okay. I am going to blog every day about how awful everything is and complain about how much time I waste. I am going to make lists of my problems, things that I lack, and reasons why I am unhappy. I am going to blog about my blog, and my blog will turn back on itself like an ingrown hair. I will blog about the same thing all the time. I will stop blogging at all. It will be one of those blogs that has the same thing on it for weeks. When people ask me what happened I will lash out bitterly and say that everything is meaningless. Everything is mean and meaningless. I will enumerate my failures and wait for the day to be over. I will ignore emails and IM's. I won't check my voicemail. My collapse will be sudden and irreversible. It will appear sudden but it will have been a long time coming.

Posted by Lily at 01:18 PM

Sat | September 16, 2006

il fait beau

Hier il a plu. Today is the neighborhood oktoberfest barbecue. I didn't go last year and I don't think I'll go this year either. I think I will sit here and do nothing, and maybe go for a walk at some point, to avoid eating any more cookies. I didn't go out last night and my highly anticipated plans today are cancelled, which means I will be inefficient for the entire day, and so I might as well resign myself to it now, and more or less have. There is nothing on my agenda today, not even a few french exercises, which I did not do yesterday either. Maybe I will do some. If I feel like it. I will do things. If not, I will just sit here.

Posted by Lily at 12:31 PM

Wed | September 13, 2006

j'ai peur de sept heures du matin

Ce matin je me suis réveillé et c'était sept heures et demie. J'avais peur et suis allé de nouveau au sommeil.

Quand je me suis réveillé c'était neuf heures. J'avais encore peur et suis allé de nouveau au sommeil.

Mais je n'étais pas fatiguée, j'avais seulement peur.

Enfin je me suis levé à dix heures et demie. Maintenant c'est presque onze heures.

Je suis une couche-tard parce que j'ai peur du jour.

Posted by Lily at 10:43 AM

Tue | September 12, 2006

des récompenses inattendues

09/29/01: Filed Grace's books in boxes. Out of compulsive neatness, typed up tables of contents.

09/09/06: While looking for French resources, I remember that Grace took French. I had forgotten all about putting her books away for her and am surprised that I did this for no apparent reason, as I cared nothing for French or any of her books at the time.

Found objects: L'étranger, Petit Nicolas, Français-Anglais et English-French Dictionary, Rhinocéros ... plus. J'ai oublié. Mais tous clichés de la littérature française.

Posted by Lily at 01:01 PM

Thu | September 07, 2006

things that happened today while I was exposed to the outside world

4:00 | Went to get the mail. As I sat back down at my computer and brushed my hair aside with my hand, I discovered a lady bug. I shrieked at a volume disproportionate to the seriousness of the situation. When I realized no one was around to hear, I stopped. At the picture window, I gently pinched the bug, skittled to the door, and hurled it out.

5:00 | Went for a walk. As I traversed the asphalt path by the gazebo, a black dude ran for the train. I considered saying run faster, because the train was already there.

Two little white girls in a side-by-side stroller poked at pink and plastic metal cell phones. I tried to formulate words of disapproval for the man who accompanied them. But who cares.

A white man in a convertible cut me off at that tricky intersection on Passaic between the Fire Department and the Post Office parking lots. When halfway across the street, I heard a car engine behind me, turned and saw a car coming at me. I hurried across, while he made a short turn, into the wrong lane for much of it, only to wait at the light twenty feet away. I watched him as I approached the light, and he kept his head turned the other way.

At the intersection the light turned green but the pedestrian signal didn't change to the white man walking. It stayed red (more like a strong orange). The couple standing there with their kids were confused, and confused me also (emotions are contagious these days). However I unconfused myself before the light changed. As I put my conclusion to the test, by walking across, I heard the woman's voice behind me, through my earphones, "Why doesn't it change?"

6:00 | As I left the library, two enormously fat people twaddled up the stairs at the front of the path. There are only two stairs, then two more, to get to the walk. I could tell that the woman could not get up the stairs without a railing. She did not lift her legs, but tilted herself to the side to get her foot high enough to reach the step.

While walking down Main Street, I reflected on the perpetual question proposed by my environment: Why are the affluent corpulent? Because they can afford to buy new clothes when they grow out of their old ones.

At the law office parking lot on Summit Avenue, a Hispanic boy chased a rubber ball across the street. His parents were watching. I have seen them play baseball there before. I thought of the Italian kid I saw once at the train station, on the inbound side. He and his brother played with a marble.

8:50 | As I left the library again, a young Indian woman walked straight down the center of the path. She didn't yield either way. And just what was she trying to prove by this slight conquest? It was no effort for me to move several inches over. But the pettiness was noted. Dostoevsky is on my side about this one. Too bad I have no memory for people whom I haven't actually conversed with.

9:00 | Myrtle Avenue. The moon rose full and clear, and I remembered that last night I saw it through the picture window.

Posted by Lily at 10:23 PM

Tue | September 05, 2006

pourquoi beaucoup d'Asiatiques ne devraient pas être des médecins

Seeing that Asian girl on the PBS show Roadtrip Nation got me thinking. First, that I should watch more PBS, because I think they have some programming of Asian interest. Occasionally I luck upon parts of these programs, but it would be good to know exactly when they are on.

I've already looked into it, but unfortunately I haven't found an email list on their site. So I suppose it's back to surfing tv. It's quite lucky when I catch anything because I usually don't surf through PBS, since if I did, I would feel guilty about not giving them money.

Second, and more importantly, I have been thinking about that Asian girl, who was one of the three post-college road-trippers on Roadtrip Nation. I saw her name on the site last night but now I can't find it anymore. I'm making myself seem bad at finding things on the web but that's not true and anyway it's besides the point. There was an Asian girl and the subtitle under her name was "unsure of pre-med."

And it was so obvious that she shouldn't be pre-med.

On this show she meets and interviews successful people about their careers, and always asks the same question... some form of "how do you know, how can you be sure." It was as if she were waiting for someone to give her permission or to tell her not to. And she got that-- in one case quite directly from the CEO of Jet Blue, who said "don't do it." His simple reason was "because you're the one who's going to have to live with it."

I'm writing about this in the wrong way, because I'm about to say that while this argument (and variations offered by everyone else) obviously made sense to her, she still seemed unconvinced. And I don't want to say what's wrong with this girl, what part of 'no' does she not understand? Why does she keep asking the same question, what is she getting at, or trying to get at, and yet making no sign of improvement?

I don't want to take this angle because it's somewhat antagonistic, or perhaps distant, when in fact I sympathize with her, and more importantly, millions of Asian Americans of college age and beyond would identify with her.

Whether those APAs would be willing to admit that they were ever that stupid is another thing. Not stupid, but just- it is one of those things that seems obvious (and thus stupid) in retrospect, once you are beyond it.

Having struggled with my own version of that decision myself, I know that there is something paradoxical about its obviousness. Obviously I don't like science, I never have. If you left me alone in a room I wouldn't wonder about any of that. Do you need interest in order to do something? Yeah, kinda. Can you acquire interest? Yeah, kinda. I suppose this is where the "grey" area is. But the thing is, your life would be a whole lot fucking easier if you just followed your interests.

I think something in Asian culture gravitates towards doing things the hard way. There is a tendency to think harder is better. Sometimes harder just means you're doing it wrong. You're aiming too high, asking a twelve year old with average analytical skills to do tenth grade algebra. Or shoving a square peg into a round hole when there's no reason why you shouldn't just put it into the square hole and be done with it. Besides life is hard enough when you're following your interests. Or perhaps I am still doing a lot of things the hard way, in the same pattern.

I'm not doing a great job anymore of sorting topic this out. And yet it is sorted out, in the sense that I have no qualms or regrets about the decision, and never will. Its correctness became evident soon after I made it. Not because of any event, proof, or confirmation, but just because --I just knew. When Watson and Crick deduced the structure of DNA Crick said he just knew that had to be it, even before it was proved. I saw this also on PBS, just that piece of the show, and for some reason I remember it.

It was a gradual decision, something that I definitely "made" at some point, but that I had made many times before, and at a certain point I made for the last time, knowing even then that it was the last time I would make it. There was no epiphany, though, there was no moment. Perhaps my writing about it will be like that too. Not composing one single piece which addresses the topic, but revisiting and revisiting until one day it's done.

Assez. Pour maintenant. Bonsoir...

Posted by Lily at 02:23 AM

Fri | September 01, 2006

le premier jour du mois

What an indecisive day. That's all I have to say about it. I must write fewer emails. I feel that writing emails saps my energy. As does writing in my journal. This morning I amazed myself by getting up at 5. By 7, however, I was lying on my bed listening to the monotonous beat of "Le Danger," de Françoise Hardy, and trying to decide what to do next. In my mind I added and weighed one possibility and then the next, and by the time I had several items I had fallen asleep. Yes, if you ever need to fall asleep just lie down and make a list of things you might want to do. Be sure to include "maybe I'll go jogging," and then imagine yourself doing the exercise, instead of actually doing it. This is more tiring than the exercise itself, with none of the health benefits.

Posted by Lily at 05:30 PM

Thu | August 31, 2006

le dernier jour

Je déteste le dernier jour du mois. I always feel a sort of despair at this time, and need reassurance. I feel I haven't done enough, get distracted, and do even less. Today I jumped from one thing to the next. A translation of that little "Chez Louis Vuitton" memoir, to an ice cream scene, to walking to the library just to return A Black Prince, then upon getting home Chrissa calling and me talking to her for 40 minutes about NYC housing and then a bit about my writing group. And then scrubbing the floor for a half an hour and then dinner and now this. Checking email at the library. Oh and Sarah came earlier. I don't know what else I did earlier. Basically though the only really worthwhile thing I did today was clean the floor a bit. Even though I didn't finish the floor, at least I know where I am and how much more I need to clean. With the LV memoir I have no idea what exactly to do next or where it will be at the end, if I ever finish it. Anyway it's the last day of the month. I am often crabby at the end of the month. And weekends when I don't have plans.

Posted by Lily at 07:55 PM

Wed | August 30, 2006

la foule de soirée

I came to the library for some peace and quiet, a well lit space with tall ceilings, or taller than my house, and a bit of mild AC... what I am getting, what I got, over at the other computer, where I initially sat for an hour- a disgusting middle-aged fartbag. He has glasses, is a fairly generic looking white guy, in a maroon polo, and glasses, and frown lines. I moved away from him to this computer over here, and now sit next to some crazy other middle aged white guy, with paler and pinker skin, but also with brown hair, and glasses, in a polo, whose annoying characteristic is that he keeps flapping his legs open and shut. And I have to listen to this swooshing fabric while the smell of the farty guy is still wafting over.

I think the time has something to do with it-- post work hours, a certain crowd comes in. During the day it's a lot of senior citizens, whom I don't adore but who are actually preferable to this disturbed, disgusting clientele.

Posted by Lily at 07:20 PM | comment

Lily said on Mar 22, 07 06:10 PM:

At the library again. Peppery fat guy in the navy plaid shirt keeps coughing without covering his mouth. The woman over there has a big, flat ass. I have to be careful not to look around because I'll see things like that. That other woman has an even bigger ass. Disgusting. My god, there is another one. Last night after swishy pants left another annoying guy came. I forgot what his thing was.

I'm going to make a list of all the annoying people.
1. Flatulent man
2. Swishy pants
3. Unrestrained cougher
4. Fat, flat asses (3)

Fri | August 25, 2006

le week-end

Well, 1440 is having an ice cream party right about now. Or in a little while, at 2:30, I think. It is odd because I just mentioned to Josh the other day when he was griping about work, don't you have the occasional ice cream party? And he said not on Wednesdays.

I wonder if I like ice cream parties because I grew up with ice cream socials. It makes me wish I were there. But if I worked there full time I'd be there day after day until I eventually went insane. More insane than my deteriorating laptop is making me.

So I made plans for the weekend. This is good because not having weekend plans also drives me insane. I am going to walk around Chinatown tomorrow afternoon and look for music and a spa. Chrissa is going to be in NJ, I think-- she just called but I missed it and haven't checked the message. So perhaps I'll see her tomorrow night if I don't stay in the city. And next weekend, I will go to the beach.

Posted by Lily at 01:41 PM

Thu | August 24, 2006

des parents asiatiques

I have taken on a couple of kiddies-- Sarah, 12, who has been coming twice a week just about all summer, and Ryan, 10, who has been coming since August. Sarah has always been melancholic, yet still childish, and therefore amenable to giggle therapy (who isn't?) But today she started muttering about how miserable she is, and life is so hard and she wishes it were over. I resisted the urge to say "Your life is hard? You think it's hard now?" It turns out she finished her homework early this week, and instead of praising her, her mother complained she must not have had enough! And I give her a boatload of homework every time. So much that I don't even feel like correcting it, and I wonder how she manages to do it. So I went to the car after our session and told her mom how well Sarah was doing. As I ran back up the walk to my house I thought I heard a raised voice.

And this other kid, Ryan. First of all he had an enormous packet to fill out as summer homework, and he's only going into 5th grade. The first week we did like two chapters. The second week we did like six chapters. Then the third week he arrived having finished the rest of the book, which was like, I dunno, fifteen more chapters. I hadn't read that far, so we just did another six chapters. But he had completely lost interest in going over what he had written, or in figuring out answers to questions he had skipped. He said he finished it because his mom said he couldn't do anything else until it was done. But he didn't do a stellar job of it, and getting him to fix it and finish it was like trying to walk a dead dog. Finally this week we finished the book (an awful, racist novella called Sign of the Beaver) and I'm just glad that I'll have more control over the curriculum in the future.

It makes me realize that my parents weren't the "typical" Asian parents, when I was in grade school. I had a sense of this even