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Wed | February 28, 2007

A new face cleanser.

Because the one I've been using is killing my skin. My skin is actually getting to look like a dried out orange. Stupid origins checks and balances. Awful product. I think I might just go to the drug store and get some foaming cleanser. Almost anything would be better than this. I'm also thinking about returning the cleanser I have, even though I bought it like a year ago and don't think I have the receipt, or don't want to bother going through my shoebox of receipts to find it, and have never returned anything after using it due to "dissatisfaction."

I wonder if I would like the smooth, even-toned skin that people seem to get from using Asian cleansers. I am not sure what they are, but the few times I've asked people who have skin like that, they're always using something from Korea or Japan. They'll say it's something my dad got me in Hong Kong.

But, the skin tone that comes from it, tends to be this ethereal look that is inauthentic. I am ethnic and perhaps I should stay true to that, rather than acquire bleached skin.

envies | Posted by Lily at 10:54 AM

Tue | February 20, 2007

a wish granted, sort of

Well, it looks like I will get one of my long-held wishes-- my sister is moving to California. Not that I wanted her to move to California, but I have often said that I would like a friend in California, because then I would have someone to call late at night.

envies | Posted by Lily at 05:09 PM

Sun | February 18, 2007

Xīnnián kuàilè

The good news is that I think I have a free membership to Bally's after all. Maybe I'll go today, or tomorrow- though I know it will be crowded and that makes me less inclined to go. Also it is a holiday and I feel I should be doing something appropriate to Lunar New Year. I suppose exercising is a good way to start the year.

envies | Posted by Lily at 10:20 AM

Fri | February 16, 2007

wow, so bored

So bored that I am staying in the office because I don't feel like going home and I have no place else to go. So bored that I texted Ryan, who took two months to call me, and then didn't even leave a message, leading me to suspect it might even have been a mistake. Not so bored that I called everyone I know. Bored is really the wrong word. By bored, I mean socially deprived.

I should just go home; it's not like I'm going to get anything done here. Go home, shower, watch the last episode of Survivor.

journal | Posted by Lily at 07:02 PM

Thu | February 15, 2007

a morning in Boston

Well, that was annoying. Just spent an hour futilely trying to make the wireless work on my sister's laptop, so that I could email myself the document that I had been working on. I should have known that the wireless was unreliable. She has a router but it just doesn't seem to be reliable. It's annoying because I worked on it for an hour or so and then spent almost as much time just clicking around the wireless options trying to do this thing that should have only taken a second. Now I am completely frustrated and it's just not a very nice conclusion to an otherwise tolerable trip. Also, it's kind of annoying to sit around all morning and do nothing. But, I didn't expect anything much, so I am not disappointed. There was a lot of sitting around on this trip, but there was some activity- went to a cafe for a bit yesterday morning, and at night went to the MFA and dinner. On Tuesday night when I got here we hung out for a bit and then went to dinner also. It snowed a lot yesterday and now I have to decide whether to take back this luggage that is going to be difficult to naviagte over all the ice and slush. I think some sidewalks are cleared but others, may not be. Anyway, I suppose I survived V-day. By sitting around all afternoon and then getting out, which we might not have, if I had not been resolute. I also read a few chapters of a novel. The Ambassadors. I usually say HJ is my favorite, and yet I have only read a few of his books. This time I am understanding it a bit better. I think last time I must not have, because I was apparently on page 100 and did not really have a handle on it. Now I am back to that spot, at which I stopped, and I completely know what's going on. So I think I'll finish this hopefully, as long as I don't get stuck again at this previous sticking point, and then I'll read the Golden Bowl, maybe. In a while, that is. I don't read that many books anymore and it was bad advice to hear, and hear again, that I should be reading a book every two days, or whatever. That's insane. And no fun. And if I don't enjoy myself a little, I will really not make any progress. I have tried it. I have a tendency to not have fun, and not make progress, because I take things too seriously. Anyway maybe I will try to get my sister out of bed now (she had gotten up but has gone back, thus leaving her desktop available for me to use) and maybe we can go to lunch before I leave. Maybe the wireless will magically work now and I can upload that document.

journal | Posted by Lily at 11:18 AM

Mon | February 12, 2007

Boy am I stuck.

I hate advice. The one thing I hate about writing class is all the advice. It's paralyzing. I had a resolution to submit once a month. January went well. Then last Saturday RR said not to submit. Actually he said to submit from the top down, something I have heard before. Then and now, the idea of submitting to those places paralyzes me. Plus, I can see I don't have anything relevant for them at the moment. And yet I will never have anything for them unless I get some smaller things done and build confidence from there. And yet I'm not supposed to go for the lesser places. So I can't do anything.

Never tell people about your plans. They always advise something else. I suppose it won't be the end of the world if I don't stick to my resolution. It will be just like so many other resolutions. But this one, I thought, was good for me.

Écriture | Posted by Lily at 03:09 PM

Wed | February 07, 2007

Valentine's Day

For a long time I have turned over the question of Valentine's Day in my mind. Somehow this holiday season (nearly half year from Halloween through Chinese New Year) has turned out ok, one holiday after another. Partly because my expectations were zero, such that, for example, on New Year's Eve watching a (good) movie, driving about aimlessly for an hour, then having omelets and playing Scrabble was, to me, wonderful. But does the fact that the previous holidays turned out all right mean that the next one will be okay too?

And anyway, Valentine's Day is the one holiday that I can never really accept half-baked. The point that it might have turned out "okay" is moot. I have done the "date someone, anyone" thing a few times, actually. I am breaking that habit. Or trying. I thought about taking a trip somewhere. Prague, Montreal, England. But I had no one to go with, and going alone might have just killed me.

So. Just now, I purchased a bus ticket to Boston, to leave on Tuesday and come back Thursday, with Valentine's Day exactly in the middle. I am not staying through Friday, because that may be too much time to spend with my sister. Baby steps, baby steps. Plus, I got this 50% off thing from Greyhound that wasn't available on Friday, as far as I could tell. I just have to fill out a survey and make sure I get the bus number. And some other number that I don't even know what it is. Which would make my thirty bucks fifteen, round trip. Plus the 12.50 RTX to and from New York.

So now, at least, I have a V-day plan. Not one that I feel spectacular about. But, at least I have a plan. The plan is running away. Ideally it would have been to some place where they don't have Valentine's Day. But Boston it is. I like having plans. Part of what is horrible is not the holiday itself but the days leading up to the holiday knowing you have no plans. Even if something materializes at the last minute and makes the day okay, the preceding days were still not.

journal | Posted by Lily at 04:32 PM

Tue | February 06, 2007

Writing Workshop

It would be nice if writing class were like art studio. In art class you draw, and the teacher goes around, looks at what you've done, and comments. He could even get in there and show you how the lines could be different. Put a little here. You watch him and you start to see the difference. And then you draw some more. The nude model shifts and you draw again. It's all charcoal on a giant newsprint tablet. You keep the tablet but it's all for practice. You do a bigger project at home for homework. With more detail, more effort on a single subject.

Writing Workshop is like, you are immediately expected to produce a sizeable project, even in a beginner class. You bring it in- if it even exists it's a miracle- and then you get a humongous pile of critique all at once. You don't know what to do next, you feel overwhelmed, there is no sequence, there is just a pile of critique. You never touch it again, or if you do, you try to do too much at once, and everything falls apart. Then in several weeks it's your turn to go through the same thing again. You wonder why you can never finish anything.

envies | Posted by Lily at 03:08 PM

Mon | February 05, 2007

monday's lament

I am unable to deal with even the smallest of work problems. I collapse at the first sign of trouble. I have like 280 questions to edit and I can't do it. The time constraints are too strict, 2 hours per ten questions. Sounds like it could be doable, 12 minutes per question. But it includes answer choices and explanations; it's a lot more than just a question. It's more than traditional editing. I'm fairly intelligent and experienced; if I can't do it is it really me? I had the same problem with the question bank last fall. or whenever it was. I didn't enjoy it for that reason. Despite it being more the type of work that relates to writing and is thus in line with my goals. For that I am grateful. But the time constraints, thinking of them makes me cower in bed in the morning. Then I don't even do any of it. Today I am going to do some. Maybe one per day this week. It seems like nothing, and most people would look down on me for not being able to work two hours a day. But when they are at work they are doing other things. They are just hanging out, living. At home I am doing the same thing. But I don't get paid for it. And when I am at work I am working my ass off. Which is why I suppose it's good that I don't work there. I don't think I would know how to hang out. To not work my fingers to the bone, for something that will never really benefit me directly. And those two hours, are padded all around with hours of gearing up to it and recovery. Because the time constraints are so strict that I feel like I have to really be ready before I can do it. So I hang about for an hour before finally doing it. Yet all this winding up and winding down time doesn't get billed, of course. And yet I lose it to this work.

All I can do is hope my problems go away. Brace myself, finish the ten questions of the day, and then try to recover. It just really isn't enough time. I could be doing this full time, this mass of documents that's being treated as small change. But hell if I know how to convert from contractor to full time. I don't even know if I would want to. Waking up at 7 am to get to the train station, then sitting there all day, and listening to them loop through the same inane conversation- I could very well go nuts. Of course, sitting here, day after day, without health care, I could die. Or worse, bankrupt my parents first, with the hospital bill if I get in an accident or contract some illness, and then die, of misery, depression, sadness, disappointment.

journal | Posted by Lily at 10:56 AM

Thu | February 01, 2007

Mitsuba annoys me

So I went back there the other day-- was it just yesterday? It was Tuesday. After putting it off for quite some time. Never put things off, not the good things anyway, because they are bound to let you down when you finally do them. I had the house roll, which was good, though it had almost too much sauce. I never order the special rolls on account of the expense so it was fun to do so then. The disappointing part was when I left, I told the owner that she should change their service system. That each waiter should have a certain group of tables. Actually the disappointment began before that; I hadn't been there in nearly a month since the day it opened on Jan 3rd, and I had half hoped that the problem would have fixed itself, i.e., someone else would have convinced her of it.

She pointed to a chart on the wall- a map of the tables with some lines and territories. She had heard this before. And yet they weren't using the system. She explained that when it was busier they would forget who had already ordered drinks or needed the bill, etc., but that she would tell them later. I didn't realize til after I left that she thought of my complaint as a problem on the part of the staff- that they were forgetting whether I had already ordered. Which they were, collectively, because no particular person was assigned to my table, and they would just ask randomly as they walked by, according to what they guessed. It was not the fault of the wait staff, but of the fact that they had absolutely no system or organization. I regretted talking to her about it once I realized that she would probably just tell her lowly paid staff to work harder, when really it was the fault of her non-management. And that of the two "partners" whom I had never seen and in the many times I walked by and glanced in the window.

So anyway I told her that the waiters were disorganized and that the way things were run now, it was impossible for any of them to tell what was going on. "Thank you for the suggestion," she said cheerily. She waved me off. It was clear that she wasn't really going to follow it. I was like, it's not a suggestion. This is the way people expect restaurants to be run. I myself was quite annoyed at having all these waiters running around, none of whom were really mine. I kind of couldn't stand it. I mean, there's something really disruptive and unpeaceful about it; you can't relax because these nervous Asians are hurrying around, being very industrious, but very annoying, because you are trying to think. At least in my case that is what I am trying to do; the other patrons are trying to dine. I can only imagine how they feel, as I am probably the least picky when it comes to service. I am sure others have tried to mention it to her and it just isn't getting through. It's embarrassing. I am embarrassed for them all as Asians.

Asians don't dine out that much. My family hardly ever does, except on holidays. Like Christmas and Thanksgiving. Which is of course not what you are "supposed" to do, on these days when you are supposed to be having a home-cooked meal. Anyway. I dine out often enough to know the basics, but not enough to be a really familiar diner. But I am not opening a restaurant. Why would you open a restaurant if you don't even eat out at restaurants often enough to know how a wait staff works?

So I am trying not to care but I still do, if not because I care about them, which I try not to, but from self-interest (the struggle of my adult life, a matter of survival in an individualist society). Mitsuba is a nice place to sit, or would be if only the wait staff were appropriate. Then again, maybe I can get them to serve me the way I want, to respect my space, and not worry about the others. Sigh. Because right now there's still too many people at lunch. I mean, it's the grand opening and 10% off, and so people are going there in droves and there's no room for me. That's part of the reason why I didn't go back sooner. It was always so crowded and I am a lone diner. Yeah. So there's just one week left in their grand opening and I haven't tasted all the things I wanted to. Whatever. I will just waste more money next month, I guess. I don't think I would have been able to dine alone that often, anyway. It is probably better also because I could not afford it anyway.

In a Parthian shot, I said pleasantly, "please fix it." But still, I was upset, and continue to be, because I think it will not be fixed. I think the time to tell them would have been early on, and now that they have had a successful month, even if their business decreases, they will think it is only due to the fact that the initial buzz has worn off, and not because their service is infuriating.

I am annoyed with myself, of course, for not having the talent to convince her of it. I'm very incapable of everything these days; I can feel my abilities waning in everything. Especially when it comes to talking to people or dealing with things, I feel myself getting unhealthier, it all plummeting. And I am generally despondent these days for that reason. I sense that there was a time when I would have been more convincing; when I would have hit the note at perfect pitch. And when my timing would have been right on; instead I delayed for weeks. Everything is off.

| Posted by Lily at 07:30 PM