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Tue | January 16, 2007

still a nice person

Because I have been trying to become a selfish, competitive hater for some time now. All the while knowing on some level it will never really happen. I talk the talk and say some egotistical things sometimes but mostly I just do what the other person wants, or needs, whether they know it or not. Any benefit to myself is coincidental. Case in point: last night I finished right on time with Sarah. Good. Just enough time to get my stuff together and catch the 5:26 to meet some Frenchies at a place called Jadis on the LES. True, I had officially declared an end to French. But what I meant by that was my formal French language studies. Convenient, informal practice or learning of French is completely acceptable and even desirable. For fun, that is. And with a week ahead of me of mostly loneliness I thought I had better get out while I can.

However I also kept an eye out the window, on their minivan which hadn't left, and which was going rat-tat-tat-tat-tat. I could have gone out the side door, the way I usually go, or I could have gone out the front and simply said I was rushing off somewhere... good luck with that rattling noise. But instead I asked what was wrong, and offered the use of my phone, and nearly two hours later, found myself learning the alley cat dance from Sarah outside in the cool post-rain air, while waiting for the tow truck to arrive, its yellow and orange lights flashing. The truck, actually, took just ten minutes to arrive. Most of the time was spent in the kitchen of my house, waiting for the father to drive over from his workplace, because Mrs. H---- didn't want to call triple A without his judgment. When I get married, if I get married, I will not be so deferential to my spouse. Or if I have a bf. Though this may just be talk again. If history is any indication, I will be too accomodating as always.

So anyway then the rest of my night was confused, somehow, and I couldn't decide what to do, and consequently did nothing useful nor fun. I watched the Golden Globes and saw the executive producer of Dreamgirls receive the award for Best Musical or Comedy and wondered why they started to play the music to get him off stage after about ten seconds, whereas others took like thirty seconds or more and were not rushed off. Not that it really matters I suppose.

I'm confused pretty much every day. Don't know what to do with myself. Have a sense of purpose but don't really know what to do about it.

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