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Tue | November 21, 2006

Ma fête d'anniversaire était ok

My birthday was okay. It was a relief because at certain points I thought it would be awful....in part because last year I tried to have a get-together and it didn't work out. This year was much better, a nice dinner of eight and some hanging out at the restaurant bar with a few more.

I think I work better in conjunction with people. Even though Chrissa hardly did anything to organize the dinner, it couldn't have happened without her. First of all because I wouldn't have done it for myself. I have trouble working for myself, because of my collectivist background. For myself I would have given up. But since she was involved I couldn't bring myself to say forget it, let's not do anything. So I kept researching, and thinking, and eventually it did come together at the end.

I did all this research (like, tons of it) and came up with all these ideas and she helped choose the appropriate one. That's what Chrissa is for me-- a voice of reason, of common sense. It seems like an easy, obvious last step and in a way it is. Yet that's precisely where I would go wrong... I won't definitely choose the obvious even if I sort of know it. Perhaps I am too exhausted from looking all over the place, considering everything, to think straight. So we work well together, because Chrissa is very well-grounded and she won't let go of these basics. In retrospect the Half King was the right place for us, for the group in question. It leaned towards the white but so did the group. Next year, if I do something, it will have to be asiatique. I have really outgrown fitting in at white places, it's just that some of my old friends don't know it.

I don't know if I will do it next year. Even if she is around. I think my friendships are dwindling, rather than growing. They are the same friends as I had years ago yet they become more and more irrelevant and out of touch. Though then again most of the people who came for my bday were relatively new, within the last two years, or so, rather than old college friends. So maybe I am moving in some sort of direction. Who knows. It's nice to have the same friends over the years, so you feel like you're growing, instead of just trying to start new things constantly. But if they aren't relevant it doesn't matter whether they show up or not. And something about my college friends... their ideology is always at odds in some crucial way. I don't know if I have higher expectations of them or what. But I really think I can find better friends elsewhere. That it must be possible.

There is a weak idea in circulation that it's egotistical to think about your birthday. But I think I am anything but an egotist. In fact I think about others most of the time... that's my modus operandi. I like birthdays because it's the one day of the year that is your day. If I were selfish the rest of the year then my birthday wouldn't be a big deal. But anyway I am a big fan of birthdays.

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