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Wed | November 29, 2006
peut-être
Maybe I will go to Starbucks tonight. But, recently I read that a frappuccino is like a Big Mac in a cup. So maybe I shouldn't go there. I have nowhere to go. Burger King? The cafe is closed. The library? Maybe. But. Starbucks is cozy.er. Maybe I will redesign a room in the house to be cosier than starbucks. Then. I can finally get something. done. Or. what. waste time deciding. if I stay home I might whittle away the time. on the web. If I go will I even bring my laptop. No. Just the french books. Tomorrow is Thursday. I will start a new project on Friday. So. I suppose. I have a couple of days off. I should do this editing for Kaps. And not check email so much. Life. has been better recently. But I am always afraid it won't last. So. When things go well. I just enjoy .them. Surreptitiously. Usually. things. are flawed. there is nothing. now. that is perfect. well. some. but. not really. I think that most people have a lot less dissatisfaction. than me. perhaps. i should make my life. more. normal. I should go see a movie. by myself. focus.
nonsense | Posted by Lily at 05:27 PM
nanowrimo fini
Écriture | Posted by Lily at 12:42 AM
Mon | November 27, 2006
l'hésitation commence
It's very easy to say, after you didn't do something, that you should have. Mais maintenant c'est lundi encore et j'hésite about whether to go to lundi français. I am leaning towards yes, if only because last week I didn't go. Hedge my bets. Still, it seems far away. And yet, it's right near Penn Station; I couldn't ask for it to be any closer. I must think of all the people who drag themselves to the city daily. This is nothing. And afterwards, whenever I decide to leave, I will go somewhere and do french exercises, or something. Hopefully it will motivate me to make good use of the next three hours. Then tomorrow is a whole nother day. But that is thinking too far ahead, for me. I think though, that tonight, would be a good night to go, and je simplement dois cesser de penser cela.
journal | Posted by Lily at 12:19 PM
Sat | November 25, 2006
Une perte du temps?
hum, I just spent two hours reading about Dunkin Donuts and Starbucks. I guess I should just be glad I don't have these kinds of thoughts piped into my head daily, which I would happen if I were working in an office.
I like that the subject of the new Dunkin Donuts commercial is language. But they take the wrong side, and validate the common idiotic American sentiment that they don't like other languages. Boo!
Then again I did just go to the Dunkin Donuts website and enter their contest for free coffee for a year. In a way their advertising "worked" on me because now I have spent all this time thinking (albeit negatively) about DD. If I win I will give most of it away to friends (or turn it in for store credit at Dunkin Donuts) because I like Starbucks ground coffee.
Apparently in the movie You've Got Mail, Tom Hanks has a line about making six decisions just to get a cup of coffee. Tall skim decaf latte. That's four. No whip. That's five... I guess the last is foam. I still kind of like the slogan "America Runs on Dunkin" ...Starbucks doesn't have a slogan. DD are kind of the underdog, because Starbucks just RAKES it in. Anyway now I don't know what to do. I think I will have to just drink plain hot water for awhile, which is an Asian habit. No calories, no teeth stains, and practically free.
Livres, films, TV | Posted by Lily at 01:36 PM
Fri | November 24, 2006
le dernier épisode de survivant
They merge but it’s still very much Aitu and Raro. Aitu is outnumbered 4 to 5, though, and they look for someone to pull over. The former Aitu approach Jonathan, which makes sense because they know him from before he defected, and so they might find it easier to talk to him than the others whom they basically just met. Also he has a history of flipping that the others don't. They just had to get over the hurt that he had abandoned them before, which the show didn’t make any big deal out of or address at all. Sigh. I would have had a harder time accepting someone again who burned me once.
So they get Jonathan to switch, though of course it’s doubtful until the last second of the vote whether he really did. It makes sense that he did because he was sick of Raro being so lazy and stupid. They truly are the “dumb” tribe. However I don’t see why he had a say in whom they were voting out. He chose Nate over Candice and Adam, whom he had stronger relationships with. But former Aitu should have voted out Candice, who deserves payback for leading the mutiny and doing absolutely nothing around camp but hang around and wait for fish. I keep waiting for her to get what she deserves but I suppose it will never happen… which is why I hate work. People who totally deserve a left hook never get it. They just keep on persisting. And what is Adam still doing around… he's so stupid. He should go too. It just shows why I am never going to be successful in the workplace, because my values are so different from the ones that it operates on.
Next episode the immunity challenge is strictly mental-- who can remember quickest what happened earlier in the game. Ozzy will lose for the first time, and it might unfortunately be Yul’s one chance of getting rid of him. Once again someone will go before you’re sick of them. I’m so sick of seeing Candice, Adam, Jonathan. And Ozzy doesn’t deserve to leave- he hasn’t done anything wrong, he’s always been cool and nice and loyal. And he’s been feeding them for so long, and pulling so much weight on the team. It will be sad if this is what happens next week. Then it will be Yul, Becky, Sundra and Jonathan vs. Parvati, Candice, and Adam. Maybe Yul won’t get rid of Ozzy just yet for fear that Jonathan will swing back one more time to follow Candice and Adam. But probably not. Yul will burn Ozzy, who might then be too embittered to vote for him when Yul gets to the final two.
Survivor allows me to think about stuff that I wouldn't have on my own. If the things on that show happened to me personally, I wouldn't be able to think about them rationally. I suppose that's a weakness. But I definitely have trouble thinking about stuff that happens at work. My instinct is to push it all away and if I do think about it, to just feel hurt and disillusioned. Strangely I can think of my romantic relationships rationally. I may not be able to behave rationally, but I can think about it and understand what is going on. So I am much better off in romance and personal relationships. Work relationships are my weakness. I don't cultivate them or pay any attention to them. I have ADD when it comes to thinking about work. I can think about it for about two minutes before I'm fed up.
Livres, films, TV | Posted by Lily at 05:10 PM
Wed | November 22, 2006
dommage....
Gai m'a dit que le dernier meetup «lundi français» était genial. Je ne suis pas allée au recontre parce que j’étais fatiguée, je suis sortie vendredi et samedi, et travaille dimanche. J'avais peur que je ne pourrais pas le faire. Mais je devrais être allée. Je fais toujours moins que je peux. La prochaine fois... je dois apprendre, je dois changer, m'améliorer.
journal | Posted by Lily at 02:39 PM
Tue | November 21, 2006
Vendredi noir où Acheter rien?
Buy Nothing Day - ADBUSTERS.ORG
Well I was thinking to celebrate my birthday by going to the mall and seeing what was up for Black Friday, which I have never participated in. I went to the mall once on the day after Thanksgiving, with Teresa Chuang and Jessica Moltisanti, years and years ago. Must have been 1995. But I didn't even know it was called Black Friday, back then.
I was looking online to see what was up and I found information about stores where I don't typically shop, which I think is a bad idea. I think I will just go to my usual spots... Macy's, the Gap, Anthropologie... and see what's going on with them.
I also found information about Buy Nothing Day, which I do remember hearing about, in college. And probably observing. Explicitly that year, and inadvertently every year besides that.
So I think I will still go to the mall early on Friday, if I feel like it. Early means... 10. Maybe I will also go to Bloomingdale's and Banana Republic, Sephora, Nordstrom. Express. I don't need anything, though. Besides FAT PANTS. And a Mac to replace my decrepitating PC. Hmm... Short Hills opens at 8. OMG Godiva is giving away free chocolates. And... that's it. Don't even know what these other stores are.
Really, though, I have a feeling that your "success" on Black Friday depends on your knowing employees who will tell you where the sales are. The woman at the Origins counter at Macy's gave me a little sample size ginger lotion when I got my face cream last month. How many times have I bought stuff from them and they don't give me anything. Then there was the time that the same woman, I think, gave me the still-nearly-full tester of grapefruit body gloss. Because it was discontinued. I didn't even buy anything that time. I was like, thanks. I just went there to ask about some other product that they didn't have. So anyway in the cosmetics department, especially, there are all these little freebies and bonuses you can get, if you chat up the reps a bit. Not that I ever do. But I see it happening, and I can just tell by looking at them, that these old puckered wasps are hoarding things. I mean sometimes they are younger and prettier but mostly they're seche. It's not fair because they give all the prizes to others like them.
DKNY, Coach. Free People. Gap has cashmere sweaters... Max Studio. kind of boring. That's it, that's all the places I ever go, ever. Papyrus. Pottery Barn, Crate and Barrel. Have not bought more than a bookstand from them. Victoria's Secret.
journal | Posted by Lily at 07:54 PM
Ma fête d'anniversaire était ok
My birthday was okay. It was a relief because at certain points I thought it would be awful....in part because last year I tried to have a get-together and it didn't work out. This year was much better, a nice dinner of eight and some hanging out at the restaurant bar with a few more.
I think I work better in conjunction with people. Even though Chrissa hardly did anything to organize the dinner, it couldn't have happened without her. First of all because I wouldn't have done it for myself. I have trouble working for myself, because of my collectivist background. For myself I would have given up. But since she was involved I couldn't bring myself to say forget it, let's not do anything. So I kept researching, and thinking, and eventually it did come together at the end.
I did all this research (like, tons of it) and came up with all these ideas and she helped choose the appropriate one. That's what Chrissa is for me-- a voice of reason, of common sense. It seems like an easy, obvious last step and in a way it is. Yet that's precisely where I would go wrong... I won't definitely choose the obvious even if I sort of know it. Perhaps I am too exhausted from looking all over the place, considering everything, to think straight. So we work well together, because Chrissa is very well-grounded and she won't let go of these basics. In retrospect the Half King was the right place for us, for the group in question. It leaned towards the white but so did the group. Next year, if I do something, it will have to be asiatique. I have really outgrown fitting in at white places, it's just that some of my old friends don't know it.
I don't know if I will do it next year. Even if she is around. I think my friendships are dwindling, rather than growing. They are the same friends as I had years ago yet they become more and more irrelevant and out of touch. Though then again most of the people who came for my bday were relatively new, within the last two years, or so, rather than old college friends. So maybe I am moving in some sort of direction. Who knows. It's nice to have the same friends over the years, so you feel like you're growing, instead of just trying to start new things constantly. But if they aren't relevant it doesn't matter whether they show up or not. And something about my college friends... their ideology is always at odds in some crucial way. I don't know if I have higher expectations of them or what. But I really think I can find better friends elsewhere. That it must be possible.
There is a weak idea in circulation that it's egotistical to think about your birthday. But I think I am anything but an egotist. In fact I think about others most of the time... that's my modus operandi. I like birthdays because it's the one day of the year that is your day. If I were selfish the rest of the year then my birthday wouldn't be a big deal. But anyway I am a big fan of birthdays.
journal | Posted by Lily at 02:32 PM
Thu | November 16, 2006
le survivant
Survivor Popularity Poll Results - Survivor: Cook Islands on CBS
Survivor's on tonight. I can't believe Candice is one of the top three most popular right now. I think it's because she has so much screen time. She is in like every scene. But she's so bland, and disloyal. She completely abandoned her team last episode. And she hardly does anything at all, like the time she said she didn't want to go fishing because it was too cold. Or early on when she lost the boat. She is just coasting. I keep hoping she will be voted off but I guess she will be around for awhile, even though she just burned four people. She's just so boring and I hate her and wish she would leave. And she's only 23.
My favorite girls:
Pavarti, incorrigible flirt; really nice
followed far behind by:
Jenny, whom I initially forgot about, because she gets no screen time.
Becky, who blindly liked Candice, and made no other friends
Sundra, who is on Aitu
Rebecca, who can't even swim a lap
and last and least:
Candice, I can't stand. Cold, frigid barbie doll.
The guys it's easy:
Yul, Ozzy, and Nate are awesome. Adam I don't care for. And Jonathan is basically out tonight if Raro loses.
Livres, films, TV | Posted by Lily at 10:32 AM
Wed | November 15, 2006
C'était horrible.
There were three main categories of people at last night's Mandarin language meetup:
Dorky, tactless Asian guys. There is nothing worse than dorky, tactless Asian guys. Their goals are so transparent; their desperation is so palpable. I feel like I've been slimed. Actually there is something worse (group #3 below, who shall be flayed in due time).
As soon as I walked into Sui lounge, I was accosted by two short dorky Asian guys, Jack and Jeff, or John and Jeff, or something, who talked to me in English. I asked them (in Mandarin) if they spoke Mandarin, and they said a little. We spoke Mandarin for about five seconds before they reverted to English again. Really, I went there to practice and learn some Chinese. I didn't go there to be ogled by dorky guys in English. If they had done it in Mandarin, I might have tolerated it. But this was too much. I moved on...
Too-nice Asian women. I met one of the few women there- a super-cute Asian girl who was an official greeter. She handed me a yellow flash card. She spoke to me in English also. I replied in Mandarin but she kept speaking in English. She told me to make a sentence from the word on my card and try to match with someone else's card. I thought this is soooo fucking nerdy and I don't want to do this. But not a trace of that was evident in my response. After all, there is some too-nice Asian girl in me as well. I said okay and took the card.
Clammy white middle-aged men. The next few unfortunate minutes were spent talking to a forty-something white guy, from Belarus. He at least had some working knowledge of Mandarin and knew some things. His accent was horrible, no tones at all, not even an attempt at them. He had studied Mandarin for a few years but didn't have a ton to show for it. "Mandarin is harder," Steve told me later. I don't fucking care. Learn it. I really don't think it's that difficult. I mean, French challenges me in its pronunciation and everything. But I am finding ways to learn it. I am dealing with it. If I can deal with it, they can deal with it. Chinese is not hard. These people are just lazy. And these middle-aged white men, I spoke to a few, were generally incompetent at Mandarin. I taught this Russian for a little bit but then I was like, I didn't come here to teach Mandarin for free.
The group should be renamed "Spoon-Feed Mandarin to White People" because that was the predominant activity there. I think they meant well, but the truly fluent Mandarin speakers were mostly supporting the white people, who really hadn't invested anything into their Mandarin. This isn't the way to encourage Mandarin speaking, because if you don't demand anything of anyone, they are never going to be committed to it. From my end, I tried to make it clear that if they didn't bring anything to the table they weren't going to eat there. But these other girls were being so super nice to them, letting them dominate the conversations, and as a result, of course, the fans of the group are mostly white men who don't enjoy working for anything.
That and all the desperate Asian guys. Ick. There are simply thousands of super-cute Asian girls in the city. Most of them make me look like a neanderthal, they are so cute. None of them were at this meetup, because they were probably scared away by the hoard of Asian guys ready to ambush them. I sure as hell am not going back.
The thing about Asian guys is that they are tremendously bad at learning. I am bad at learning so I recognize a bad learner when I see one. As bad as I am, these guys are worse. After a few minutes of talking, I left, without much ceremony, which you would think was kind of a sign that I didn't want to talk anymore. They followed. Made me suffer through more stupid English conversations. Finally I said, if you don't want to speak Mandarin I don't want to talk to you. And they were like who whooo. I was so not having fun. I was like That was not a flirtation device. You're such an idiot. The meaning of my sentence was go the fuck away. Instead they kept speaking just bits of mandarin and then English, and worse, repeating themselves in English, giving a translation.
I did get the email of this one Asian girl, who is 30, and maybe I'll email her. We're both middle children and she has a little sister with the same name as me. There is the small problem that I wrote a long response to the email survey I got in my inbox last night, explaining what I thought was wrong with the meetup (i.e. too much English) and submitted it only to find that it was automatically published on the website. Whoops. Mostly what I wrote was still acceptable, not a complete disaster, but I don't think I would have written that much if I had known. I didn't even write that much, but in that format it looks like a lot. Especially since most people said nothing. Anyway maybe that girl will not hate me for it. We'll see if she emails me back. It's not a big deal either way because she's mostly a too-nice Asian girl who totally allowed the white men to come over and talk to her. Maybe I won't even bother emailing her.
It just makes me realize how far I am from my white-respecting days, and how I don't belong with anyone anymore. It's very depressing. At the same time I did decide that my birthday party would be at the Half King, which is a white a place as any. It was basically Chrissa's influence though, because she didn't take to any place I suggested but as soon as she saw their divey website she was like, let's just go here. And I was like ok whatever. So we are having dinner instead of drinks, and I am going to have to sit and tolerate this for an hour or however long it takes us to eat, and then it will be over and I can crawl back into my cave. And next year I won't have a birthday celebration, I will just stop this madness.
journal | Posted by Lily at 09:03 PM
Tue | November 07, 2006
salam!
Had Ethiopian food last night with Ari. Also went to a university event and ate brownies and cookies. The admissions process at NYU seems to be a mildly guided lottery. There is no hope in sight for me, of any change in my situation. Que lastima. I feel that I am drifting out to sea, and moving just to stay afloat, but really I must do a lot more than this, to get to shore, and yet I really can't. Maybe it is more like I am building something, but just very very slowly, and with no real signs of progress. Also, Juked emailed me yesterday morning and rejected my story. Go figure. I didn't feel like going to NYU after that but I did anyway and I am really glad I did because I got some good insight into their program and their admissions process. It will be a miracle if I even manage to put an entire application together. And a waste of $90.
journal | Posted by Lily at 03:05 PM
Sun | November 05, 2006
chaque bar à New York
I estimate that I have now spent ten hours reading about bars in New York, in an effort to come up with a location for a birthday celebration for myself and Chrissa. Waste of time, really. Yet I couldn't help myself because that sort of information, like Yahoo answers, is so manageably parsed that you can just keep reading a little bit more. (I have ...610 points on Answers and 23% best answers) Anyway it's a waste of time, the bar thing, because I am not going to go to these bars that I'm reading about and at the end of it all my bday celebration may very well be a complete wash... in fact I kind of didn't want to have it, but ultimately decided to go through with it, rather than tell Chrissa that I don't know if I can count on anyone to be there.