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Sat | September 30, 2006
un cari de boeuf
Made curry from scratch last night. Even the powders were fresh- we crushed coriander and cumene seeds in a mortar. Tumeric and garlic and chili. It didn't turn out sooo well but I thought it was ok. Mostly the beef wasn't that great. What was amazing was that we had all the ingredients. except crushed tomatoes, so we used tomato paste. Onions and potatoes and beef. I had thought that curry was a spice on its own, but apparently it's a blend of things. Henry thought a clove of garlic was the whole bulb. He was like, I can't believe I have to peel a nother one of these.
journal | Posted by Lily at 11:15 AM
Fri | September 29, 2006
qu'est-ce que je fais ?
J'ai joué trois jeux de literati. Je ne pourrais pas décider quoi faire. Quand je ne sais pas quoi faire, je joue des jeux... jusqu'à ce que je sois fatiguée, jusqu'à ce qu'il soit trop tard, et alors je couche.
Jeux | Posted by Lily at 01:06 AM
le raccordement lent d'Internet
le raccordement lent d'Internet (particulièrement quand il pleut?)-- il frustre.
Web/Tech | Posted by Lily at 12:01 AM
Wed | September 27, 2006
les puzzles
solvepuzzles - Wei Hwa's Puzzle Challenges by Google
Jeux | Posted by Lily at 01:27 AM
Tue | September 26, 2006
Je suis intoxiquée, c'est officiel
I have bought seven ponies on ebay:
7/3, Posey, '82 Earth pony, 4.99
7/12, Windy, '87 Magic Message pony, 15.99
7/15, Mirror Mirror, '87 Magic Message pony, 12.24
8/3, Masquerade, '85 Twinkle-Eyed pony, and Windy, '83 Unicorn, 10.05
8/6, Princess Tiffany, '87 Princess pony, 8.06
8/17, Applejack, '83 Earth pony, 5.70
Appropriately, the last one is Applejack, the original pony that I chose to be on my little "donate" button. It may not be the last one I buy, because I have just bid on three more. I am addicted. For the past few days I have checked a few times a day, and there have been days, periods, when I managed to not check, but I always come back. It is because it's so easy to pick up this information, that comes in little bits, on the listings. It appeals to a tendency to discriminate between small differences.
It's tricky to tell whether what you're buying is good quality or junk, or at what point inbetween. The good news is that I got a refund, surprisingly, without even really asking, for most of the worse-than-advertised ponies: Mirror Mirror, which I got from dot100dogs, and the two disgusting, mildewy ponies I got from Monster-Island-Collectibles.
In the former case, I emailed her a few weeks afterwards to mention that there were a few things wrong with it (a bit of hair cut at the root on the end of the mane; some of the paint come off the eyes; all-around frizzy hair) none of which were egregious, except for perhaps the hair, and yet I told her it bothered me because she had said it was in mint condition. At any rate she gave me a full refund. The downside of it was that she banned me from bidding on her auctions, which I discovered the next time I tried to bid on one of her items, a few days later. It seemed kind of extreme of her and I sent her a message asking her why, and she didn't respond. Dot100dogs has a lot of ponies up for sale so in addition to being kind of shocked I was disappointed that I wouldn't be able to buy anything else from her. Nonetheless there are so many people peddling My Little Ponies on ebay that it really doesn't matter.
In the latter case the toys (Masquerade and Windy unicorn) looked kind of questionable to begin with, but the description said that they would be okay with "a light washing." When I got them they reeked of mildew and even had bits of straw and junk stuck in them. So at that point I emailed all the sellers who had come up short, which was everyone up except the first person.
So that included Windy, the magenta Magic Message pony, from some person called dmwjsw6zm3. Now, anyone with a username like that is a red flag, but for some reason I ignored it and it turned out to be my worst decision. Although the other two people I messaged through ebay gave me immediate refunds, this person wanted me to send the pony back. It just seemed like too much trouble and I was like, never mind. The good thing about this junk is that if you never go crazy then you’re not tossing more than ten or fifteen bucks away at a time and you can just let it go.
Which brings me to one of the reasons ebay is addictive. Not only is there information to sort and pick up, on a million little clues, there is also the fascination of watching the auctions. Here are some notes of the priciest, most amazing auctions I've saw on ebay, a few weeks ago. I started to realize how crazy they were and took some notes over a few days. And unlike the auctions you hear about on The Tonight Show, for like, jesus-shaped toast, people are actually paying for these items.
Item # 120023995342, Aug-29-06 20:43:55 PDT
'88 Winged Pony, Moon Jumper, 22 bids, sold for $127.50 plus 3.75 shipping.
Bought by hudsonpelican, who has 198 feedbacks on ebay as of today, meaning s/he has gotten feed back for buying or selling to 198 different people. Sold by dot100dogs.
Item number: 230020083792, Aug-25-06 11:49:06 PDT
Baby Princess Sparkle, 107.50 plus 4.05 shipping. Sold by omeezponeez to david75432, who has 8 ratings. Omeezponeez has 2259 ratings, and dot100dogs has 2179.
Item number: 110011804848, Jul-27-06 20:44:31 PDT
'87 Mimic, sold for 100.95 + 3.75 from dot to jonquet1. Eight bids.
Those were the three highest sales on my "watching" list. That just means items that I bookmarked. Eventually I think the listings will expire and I won’t be able to see them anymore. Now I still can.
Then there were several that were sold for 70-80 dollars, and about an equal distribution in each price range below. This is out of the sixty-seven items I "watched." There are many more auctions, naturally, than the ones I selected.
It's interesting to note that a winged pony, Summer Wing, was sold by turtlefreek to dulcinea04, for 21.72 + 3.00 (Item number: 160022672411). I mean, two winged ponies (this Summer Wing and that Moon Jumper above), both excellent looking pictures, different seller. Dot's ponies cost more. That is something I picked up after about a month of surfing the mlp auctions. Which means that it's not a good idea to buy from her, because you're probably paying like five times more than you could if you watched others' auctions and bought their ponies. In fact if I were a seller, I'd post my ponies right after dot did, so that people would see them, and after losing the auction to some crazy person willing to pay a hundred dollars for a twenty dollar pony, and then they could get the same thing for less.
Although she blocked me as a bidder, at least she gave me a refund, no questions asked. She definitely has the account for it, with an average of a hundred dollars a day pouring in. Coincidentally after she blocked me her auction prices dipped a little, so I feel like she had some karma come to her as a result of her injudiciously dismissive behavior. But she's back up to speed now, I think, I mean I don't check her that much anymore, though I did for awhile-- she puts a handful of items up each day, that are 7 day auctions, meaning that she has auctions ending every night at around 9 or 10. Bidding for her starts at 9.99, with 3.75 shipping, which is fairly high. Most people start lower, lots start at like 0.99 or 1.99, something like that.
My current best pony came from miss sakura (who is kind of a poser because her name reveals she's not Asian, or maybe she is, some sort of anglicized Asian, after all she included a letter on nice stationery in her package, on cloud paper and font that just kind of seemed like an Asian thing to do, and about how she is donating her profits to god, I mean only crazy converted Asians are really believing in god like that). I got my Applejack from her, and I was somewhat hesitant because the picture had a greenish tinge to it, and was kind of dark, but it turned out to just be the picture. She doesn't look like she would be very friendly with returns, however, and she doesn't have as many selections.
------------------------------------
where to find mlp on ebay:
------------------------------------
the vintage (pre-1990) category
or do a search for "My Little Pony"
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sellers:
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dot100dogs: nice pix, recently replaced with wrapping paper background that isn't that nice. Lists almost every day. Bans you if you complain.
miss sakura: good stuff, not always flattering lighting.
omeezponeez: good pix. Every week or so will list some. Pictures taken at eye level, in a light box with a wall that lends a sense of space
babydoll84_uk: ships from UK
larock_d_t: an online ebay store called goose and gander
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buyers:
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hudsonpelican, 10stephanie77, hodgemo2: these buyers tend to like the same ponies as I do. I don't know what that means. They have all bought way more ponies than I have, however (of course).
gypsymerritt, mimicblossom, peacefulpearl: a few other buyers I've noticed.
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ponies
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Surprise: a light yellow pegasus with florescent yellow hair, and glittery silver balloons.
Quackers: a rare pony, white with rainbow hair, symbol is a yellow ducky with an umbrella.
Mimic: even rarer, a light yellow pony, parrot symbol.
Sparkle: in demand because apparently someone on the O.C. likes her. A white princess pony with turquoise hair. All the princess ponies have raised metal symbols.
Other types: pegasus, unicorn, earth, magic message, scented, UK, Italy
The whole time I am kind of wishing something would stop me from watching these auctions and buying more. I guess it's harmless. A couple of times I've overspent my paypal account and actually had cash siphoned away from my checking account as a result. But other than that it's money I got "paid" for writing movie reviews on tripmastermonkey, even though it really only covers the price of the ticket, I kind of think of it as getting paid. Then there's the sheer amount of time wasted on watching these auctions. But as long as I try to keep it restrained, and not check too often, perhaps it'll be okay. It is kind of a recreation. Instead of watching television I watch ebay.
All in moderation. Sometimes you bid just for something to do. You know you're not going to be the highest bidder, probably. Actually when I bid on Applejack, I figured someone would outbid me. Then I won and was nervous about it, but it turned out to be the best pony in my collection. She sits next to me, on my speaker, a little mascot. The others are under the coffee table. And one on my desk, and a last one on my bureau.
Sometimes you bid just because you like the buyer, you do them a little favor, start the bidding, on something you wouldn't mind having, but don't really want. That's why you bid early, half-hoping someone will outbid you. If you really wanted it, you would watch it til the last minute- and not start the bidding, because that only drives the price up- and bid within the last few hours.
I'd say there is enough pony action on ebay that you don't have to pay more than ten bucks for a pony, not including the average of $4 shipping. I'd say if you're careful you can get a bunch of ponies for an average of six bucks (including shipping would be ten bucks total). I got a Princess Tiffany with cut hair, cut bangs, for 8.06 including shipping.
It's all about the time. You have to look through these listings and figure out which ones have integrity. Sometimes you bid anyway even though it looks sketchy and get burned. And then your judgment gets better. I don't know why I switched to "you" at a certain point but I'm not about to go back and fix this. I just had to get rid of all these mlp thoughts that have accumulated in my head.
nonsense | Posted by Lily at 08:55 PM
la fin du jour
The day ends with a diagram of memoir class-- two columns, the same list of names on the left and right, and lines in various colors to map "who talks to whom" relationships. All of which was not so effective, but did clarify some things that should have been obvious already, that I was already aware of, on some level, and seem obvious in retrospect.
Then I started to weigh the various things I could be doing, while not doing any of them. And I emailed, which was a time-eater, and why I should not email late at night. Mostly just spacing out, and looking at ebay. Another thing I should avoid late at night.
journal | Posted by Lily at 01:39 AM
Mon | September 25, 2006
le groupe d’écrivains de Fort Greene
So I joined a writers group, that meets in Fort Greene on the second and fourth Sundays of the month at a wine bar. So I get to work on my wine-tasting skills as well as interact with other human beings whom I happen not to despise. It's kind of far away though, and not for me only (Larry lives around the W. 59th St stop in Manhattan). There are only four people in the group, really- Christine from memoir class, her friend Vadim who works at the same school as she does, and Larry whom she met from a group at Craig's list, which for some reason didn't work out for them. So half the group is making a huge trek to meet there. Anyway it remains to be seen whether the group "helps." It does provide a concrete deadline. I am not sure discussing things really helps me, it kind of saps my energy, actually.
Écriture | Posted by Lily at 02:17 PM
Sun | September 24, 2006
il ferait cool
It would be cool if there were a program that lets you click on words you know. Check em off, and then it'll show you words you don't know.
I finished reading all my "word a day" newsletters, from m-w.com, dictionary.com, and wordsmith.org. I had been filtering them to a folder at some point and they got all piled up and then I stopped. But I'm all caught up now. So I feel a bit better for having "accomplished" something (i.e. read the last of the unread messages) but it was still a pretty sorry weekend. I went to the park and jumped around on the rocks, for about ten seconds, that was sorta fun. Anyway reading through those newsletters I know most of those words so it would be cool if there were a program that would only show words that I don't know. Not that there is no benefit to looking at those words but it would be nice to be able to see a list of words that are new to me.
Also, a customized, customizable, associated words thesaurus. You make your own lists of words that mean around the same thing to you, and then also can create relationships or links to other words, that may not mean the same thing, but are associated, perhaps because they are used in similar situations. And you could create categories of words, like, "words used to describe food." Naturally, a word should be able to be tagged with any number of categories. And rank words by strength/ severity/ extremeness.
I feel like this should not be too difficult to do, and yet... it is beyond me. Perhaps I need to convince a CS graduate student to take it on as a thesis project. Or an employee of Google.
Web/Tech | Posted by Lily at 01:37 AM
il fait des anagrammes
Internet Anagram Server / I, Rearrangement Servant
This is pretty cool. Some of my favorites for myself are "a hilly gnu," "un gay hill," and "hula lying." And since I am feeling low, "ha, ugly nil."
nonsense | Posted by Lily at 01:24 AM
Sat | September 23, 2006
mon portable, c'est vraiment perdu
things I could be doing but I am not doing because I am too weak from prolonged isolation and deprivation of satisfying social contact
looking for my cell phone
the freelance assignments that were tossed at me about a week ago
prepping for psat class
finding directions to psat class
organizing my binders/ printouts
making copies of my submission to fort greene group
thinking of how to be a better teacher/ tutor
putting my summer shoes away
organizing the shirts in the right-side drawers of my white bureau
capitalizing and punctuating
reading, completing, book of the moment (after the plague)
french exercises, which I am in danger of dropping when things seem meaningless
mentally prioritizing my to do list, instead of adding frivolous things to it, and not doing any of it
things I didn't do today but could have, as long as I was doing nothing
cook dinner
iron shirts
wash shirts
anything in the previous list
sit-ups
go for a walk
things I did today
laundry
read entertainment weekly and star, after successfully resisting for several hours-- not even resisting, but forgetting completely
actually read parts of the BAM. I feel like there might be relevant information in that magazine, and yet historically I have not been able to get myself to read it, not that I have tried very hard.
ate ramen noodles for the second day in a row
then had two root beer floats
and other junk food I forgot what
more things I could be doing
writing
formatting these lists, and not ruining the style of my blog
things I did today
said that I would stop pretending things are okay
washed hair and tried unsuccessfully to blow it out
exfoliated
things I could be doing
all the errands that came up on my yahoo reminders recently-- back up files, etc.
things I did
played puzzle games on yahoo that I had not played before- bejeweled and something 2.
things I am going to do tomorrow and in the future
mope around without reservation
dump all the crappy friends who don't have time for me and who treat me like crap
feel crappy and deprived of sufficient social resources
appreciate the positive aspects of people
i gave henry my monitor because I don't use it. hardly ever. who am I kiding, I said, and I was going to give it to my dad but my mom stopped me by complaining about it with her incessant reservations and always saying negative things in response to anything you are thinking of doing, which i no longer have any tolerance for, while I am in this enervated state, that will go on indefinitely, because it is caused by years of isolation that could be traced back as early as high school or even middle school, but mostly a post-college phenomenon, I think. at any rate so at the end of it all it went to henry. which is fine, i don't think my dad is unhappy with his huge clunky monitor, which was my mom's argument for not giving him this better one. which I don't use. and had no real use for, only a theoretical use for. and it was taking up space on my desk. henry said I should sell it because it was basically brand new, but I just gave it to him, because I am nice like that, and wish that people would be nicer like that, but it's hopeless, nothing will change it, not significantly anyway.
this windows xp sticker is quite tenacious. the one on my laptop that has been here since I got it in jan 2004. or dec 2003. I forget.
wishlist
restraint
journal | Posted by Lily at 12:48 AM
Fri | September 22, 2006
Je ne peux faire rien
I think I am going to stop pretending everything is okay. I am going to blog every day about how awful everything is and complain about how much time I waste. I am going to make lists of my problems, things that I lack, and reasons why I am unhappy. I am going to blog about my blog, and my blog will turn back on itself like an ingrown hair. I will blog about the same thing all the time. I will stop blogging at all. It will be one of those blogs that has the same thing on it for weeks. When people ask me what happened I will lash out bitterly and say that everything is meaningless. Everything is mean and meaningless. I will enumerate my failures and wait for the day to be over. I will ignore emails and IM's. I won't check my voicemail. My collapse will be sudden and irreversible. It will appear sudden but it will have been a long time coming.
journal | Posted by Lily at 01:18 PM
Wed | September 20, 2006
un nouveau jour férié
This Friday is "One Web Day." I am not sure what makes a holiday catch on or not. A mascot? A type of food? I think this holiday needs an official food, to have staying power. Also, rituals and mythology... and branding.
Web/Tech | Posted by Lily at 02:41 AM
Mon | September 18, 2006
le rêve
I was in my room, standing at my desk trying to decide what to do, lost in a haze as usual. Not a drug-induced haze— for those of you who don't know me, I have no fascination with drugs— but my mind plays tricks nonetheless. I was lost in the kind of thought that you don't know what you were thinking about when you startle out of it and realize you've lost a couple of hours. I suppose I was only sorting out all the things in my mind. Suddenly someone appeared behind me at the doorway. He was someone from high school whom I recognized, except that he was someone else. I think his name was Rob but he looked kind of like Porter or that guy Bob Doyle. Rob was dark, like South European, and Porter and Bob are light, like Anglos. Rob had a contraption in his hands.
"I have something to show you," he said, but he didn't say it, he teleported it into my brain. I heard the thought in my own head, rather than in the air. By the same method I understood it was a weapon for sex. I had been thinking about the denied sexuality of Asian males in mainstream media.
Henry came and stopped him. "What did he have?" I asked. I saw the contraption again. Something goes in, loops around, shoots something out. That something is intangible- it's your energy, or your libido, that fuels it.
I picked up my cell phone and text-messaged Alle: meeting tonight? I never text message her. To make it at 7:00 I would have to take the 2:30 train. No, that wasn't right. I rewound my thoughts to remember what they said about Tuesday. "If we don't call you we'll see you Tuesday." So there was no need to reconfirm. Still I wasn't sure.
Hours passed in a minute. I should have gone but I didn't. Then I thought I ought to call to explain what happened. The text message I had sent earlier didn't go through. When I hit reply, Alle's number had two letters added into it that messed it up. I saw them at the time, but had figured it must be right, since all I did was reply to a message she had sent me.
It was now midnight. "Don't go downstairs, he could still be there," I said. When Rob showed up it was day and I said no and he left. Immediately after it was night. I must have lost more time. Mom, Dad, and Henry were by my door now, and one by one they went downstairs. I imagined he might have escaped out the deck. I wondered if I should report him to the police.
"I haven't seen you in years and now you just pop up and want me to talk to you?" I said to him.
"Yeah, I know," he said.
The phone rang. "Excuse me," I said sharply and loudly, and picked it up. He left.
The thing that went in was an agar brick with sparkly stars. It was like a science experiment or something. Rob was a nice guy but I never knew him. But I remembered what he was like, so I could recognize him by his presence, even though he had changed in appearance. He was lighter, in hair color, and bigger, but not as big as Bob Doyle. There are these people in high school that you don't really know who they are. Some of them are really cute, like Rob, and yet they're not cool.
"I can't believe you didn't call the police," a friend said. So I picked up the phone and called. I am not sure who I was calling. The phone just kept ringing.
sketches | Posted by Lily at 12:35 PM
Sun | September 17, 2006
mon commentaire de Portes Rouges
That was weird. Usually they put up a big fight about what I write, and this time they just posted it. Which is kind of bad because I wasn't really "done" with it, I kind of just wrote some stuff and emailed it, figuring I'd have to rewrite it anyway.
liens | Posted by Lily at 11:19 PM
Sat | September 16, 2006
il fait beau
Hier il a plu. Today is the neighborhood oktoberfest barbecue. I didn't go last year and I don't think I'll go this year either. I think I will sit here and do nothing, and maybe go for a walk at some point, to avoid eating any more cookies. I didn't go out last night and my highly anticipated plans today are cancelled, which means I will be inefficient for the entire day, and so I might as well resign myself to it now, and more or less have. There is nothing on my agenda today, not even a few french exercises, which I did not do yesterday either. Maybe I will do some. If I feel like it. I will do things. If not, I will just sit here.
journal | Posted by Lily at 12:31 PM
Fri | September 15, 2006
fantômes dans l'ordinateur
My computer is possessed. This is the third or fourth time I have been typing, and realized that the screen was so bright it was piercing my eyes. And I have adjusted the brightness to find it mysteriously at its max. It's not the kind of thing you change inadvertently. The "Fn" key is in the lower left of the keyboard and you have to hold that down and hit F7 several times to increase the brightness. No, my laptop decides to occasionally reset its brightness to max. Or maybe it's like a clock gradually running faster. Maybe it happens gradually. At any rate I haven't noticed it until I am sitting here wondering why I have a headache and then I realize the screen is really bright. So I suppose I will have to add periodic brightness checks to my routine.
On the bright side, my keyboard seems to have recovered, as far as v, c, b functionality.
nonsense | Posted by Lily at 09:17 PM
Thu | September 14, 2006
Fung Wah Chinatown Bus
Every time I hear of a vehicle turning over, I think of how Jeanine Rohn, the penny-pinching, work-me-to-the bones line producer on Torn, had Aaron the PA drive the grip truck to the garage in the last week of the shoot, and he took the ramp too quickly, getting off the BQE, turned the truck over, and broke two of his ribs.
I took the Chinatown bus once. It was a van, not the big bus this must have been. The guy got lost. Everyone yelled at him. I felt bad. At least I was safe and not in a dangerous bus. The drivers need to be given better directions, or have a better a sense of direction, and be informed about the physics of larger vehicles.
Only $15 for New York to Boston? Just another example of idiotic rate-cutting in Chinatown. "It's competition," my parents say, which is infuriating. It's the people in Chinatown having no idea how to stay in business. I kind of wish I could talk to them, that I knew more Chinese words, or if I weren't illiterate in Chinese, I could write, a paper, explaining it to them.
liens | Posted by Lily at 03:13 PM
Wed | September 13, 2006
j'ai peur de sept heures du matin
Ce matin je me suis réveillé et c'était sept heures et demie. J'avais peur et suis allé de nouveau au sommeil.
Quand je me suis réveillé c'était neuf heures. J'avais encore peur et suis allé de nouveau au sommeil.
Mais je n'étais pas fatiguée, j'avais seulement peur.
Enfin je me suis levé à dix heures et demie. Maintenant c'est presque onze heures.
Je suis une couche-tard parce que j'ai peur du jour.
journal | Posted by Lily at 10:43 AM
Tue | September 12, 2006
pensées folles que j'ai eu tandis que je courais cet après-midi
- that I should run up that driveway and see what the back of that house looks like
- that I should go swimming in the pool behind the library, by climbing the fence at night
- that something would jump out of the brush, bordering the park behind the library, and suck me in
- that the cars were animals
nonsense | Posted by Lily at 03:51 PM
des récompenses inattendues
09/29/01: Filed Grace's books in boxes. Out of compulsive neatness, typed up tables of contents.
09/09/06: While looking for French resources, I remember that Grace took French. I had forgotten all about putting her books away for her and am surprised that I did this for no apparent reason, as I cared nothing for French or any of her books at the time.
Found objects: L'étranger, Petit Nicolas, Français-Anglais et English-French Dictionary, Rhinocéros ... plus. J'ai oublié. Mais tous clichés de la littérature française.
journal | Posted by Lily at 01:01 PM
Fri | September 08, 2006
spelling bee
This is more fun than checking email.
liens | Posted by Lily at 03:24 PM
Thu | September 07, 2006
things that happened today while I was exposed to the outside world
4:00 | Went to get the mail. As I sat back down at my computer and brushed my hair aside with my hand, I discovered a lady bug. I shrieked at a volume disproportionate to the seriousness of the situation. When I realized no one was around to hear, I stopped. At the picture window, I gently pinched the bug, skittled to the door, and hurled it out.
5:00 | Went for a walk. As I traversed the asphalt path by the gazebo, a black dude ran for the train. I considered saying run faster, because the train was already there.
Two little white girls in a side-by-side stroller poked at pink and plastic metal cell phones. I tried to formulate words of disapproval for the man who accompanied them. But who cares.
A white man in a convertible cut me off at that tricky intersection on Passaic between the Fire Department and the Post Office parking lots. When halfway across the street, I heard a car engine behind me, turned and saw a car coming at me. I hurried across, while he made a short turn, into the wrong lane for much of it, only to wait at the light twenty feet away. I watched him as I approached the light, and he kept his head turned the other way.
At the intersection the light turned green but the pedestrian signal didn't change to the white man walking. It stayed red (more like a strong orange). The couple standing there with their kids were confused, and confused me also (emotions are contagious these days). However I unconfused myself before the light changed. As I put my conclusion to the test, by walking across, I heard the woman's voice behind me, through my earphones, "Why doesn't it change?"
6:00 | As I left the library, two enormously fat people twaddled up the stairs at the front of the path. There are only two stairs, then two more, to get to the walk. I could tell that the woman could not get up the stairs without a railing. She did not lift her legs, but tilted herself to the side to get her foot high enough to reach the step.
While walking down Main Street, I reflected on the perpetual question proposed by my environment: Why are the affluent corpulent? Because they can afford to buy new clothes when they grow out of their old ones.
At the law office parking lot on Summit Avenue, a Hispanic boy chased a rubber ball across the street. His parents were watching. I have seen them play baseball there before. I thought of the Italian kid I saw once at the train station, on the inbound side. He and his brother played with a marble.
8:50 | As I left the library again, a young Indian woman walked straight down the center of the path. She didn't yield either way. And just what was she trying to prove by this slight conquest? It was no effort for me to move several inches over. But the pettiness was noted. Dostoevsky is on my side about this one. Too bad I have no memory for people whom I haven't actually conversed with.
9:00 | Myrtle Avenue. The moon rose full and clear, and I remembered that last night I saw it through the picture window.
journal | Posted by Lily at 10:23 PM
test anxiety is contagious
It's a trickle up effect of the No Child Left Behind Act. I think the new law mostly targets kids who can't read at all, but now everyone wants their kids to do better. Meanwhile, state tests have become more difficult. At least in NJ... the Grade Eight Proficiency Exam (GEPA) is taken over four days, for two hours a day.
Apparently it's been like this for several years. Back in the day, I took the progenitor of the GEPA... its name eludes me at the moment. But I don't remember it being difficult, or anyone stressing about it. In fact I never studied for state tests. They tested us every year starting from third grade, and I never got less than the 99th percentile, so I pretty much thought these tests were a joke. I mean I think sometimes I got lower scores than that, but there was never a question of not passing. And on these tests, all you really need to do is pass.
Now kids are like, barely passing the tests. Asian kids. And their Asian parents are getting worried. And keeping them as tutoring clients is like a confidence game, which I am neither great at playing nor inclined to do so. Mostly because I think being in a state of high stress and pressure is actually not good for performance. Especially on small children who don't really know how to handle the volume of stress that their adult parents are putting on them. I mean the amount of useless, unfocused anxiety I feel emanating from these parents is flabbergasting. I don't know what to do with it. They probably think I'm too relaxed or not serious enough.
Anyhow I've just spent like two hours navigating the disgusting DOE site and trying to download their pdfs on my slow connection, which should be fast but for some reason it's slow, for wi-fi setup reasons I don't understand. There is something about their website and this test that is making me hyperventilate. Like you have to look at diagrams of the water cycle. (Ugh, middle school!) But it's not even a normal diagram, it's some sort of kitchen sink model with a pan of water stacked on top of a pile of books, a tray with sand in it on a smaller, adjacent pile of books, and water flowing off the end, onto a pan on the table, with a lamp over it, distributing heat. And you're supposed to write a free response explanation of what's wrong with the model. Seriously I might have gotten that wrong.* But then again I'm not in eighth grade...
I had better stop before I get all nervous about it. I can feel myself totally getting frustrated about this whole thing, and all this time wasted on someone whose mother is wants to find a public school teacher to do it, because her friend told her that's what she did, and her kid was blah blah and blah.
I'll have to look at it some more some other day.
Also, the person who answers the phone at the Department of Education has got to be the most annoying person on the planet. Where do they find these people? He put me on hold like every two seconds, he had a pretentious, cloying accent, and he was purposely leading me to the wrong links then telling me to start over at the homepage again. After five minutes I hung up while I was on hold, thinking I'd find it faster myself. And I did.
609-633-6292. If you're raving drunk in the middle of the day and want to curse someone out, that is the number to call. Just ask for the guy with the infuriating accent.
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*the answer to the water cycle question is that it's missing "condensation." And if you don't use the word condensation at some point in your explanation of the model you can't get more than 2 out of 3 possible points.
liens | Posted by Lily at 03:22 PM
Wed | September 06, 2006
une semaine jusqu'au "survivor"
There was no need to remind myself, because I have since read so many articles and blurbs about the next season of Survivor that I have Sept 14 memorized. They are all the same information too. Occasionally someone offers an "opinion," and the one that seems to be circulating is that the show is a cheap ratings gimmick and that you shouldn't watch.
I'm totally going to watch. If I don't watch how am I going to know whether they're mishandling it? Or get the gratification of seeing the Asians kick white team ass? Unfortunately I have a class starting on that day so I will have to try and tape it, I guess.
"I hope it fails" was another "opinion" offered, I think by someone from the NAACP. I think what he meant was that he hoped no one would watch. But I think the show will succeed or fail on how they handle race, how the people talk about race, if they do at all, on the show. And how they represent themselves as people of that ethnic background. I would call the show a success if the best player truly won, regardless of race, and it didn't operate according to a formulaic breakdown of elimination based on race like American Idol and So You Think You Can Dance do. I mean the second season of Dance was even whiter than the first one. During the first season I predicted all of the eliminations from the final 10. The second season I was too disgusted by the first season to watch regularly. I will never forgive them for not crowning Ryan or Melody in their first season. As for Idol, I haven't ever followed a complete season. However I was in a gym class at the time, and Suzanne (the instructor) would often ask who was going to be eliminated, and they were always right, week after week. Perhaps that means that the people in that gym class just had a really good handle on the pulse of America. Such that, presented with the choice between two or three candidates, it was easy to see whom "America" would choose. But in the case of Dance, the real winner was indisputable, and their elimination machine kept turning, regardlessly.
Livres, films, TV | Posted by Lily at 11:17 PM
Tue | September 05, 2006
pourquoi beaucoup d'Asiatiques ne devraient pas être des médecins
Seeing that Asian girl on the PBS show Roadtrip Nation got me thinking. First, that I should watch more PBS, because I think they have some programming of Asian interest. Occasionally I luck upon parts of these programs, but it would be good to know exactly when they are on.
I've already looked into it, but unfortunately I haven't found an email list on their site. So I suppose it's back to surfing tv. It's quite lucky when I catch anything because I usually don't surf through PBS, since if I did, I would feel guilty about not giving them money.
Second, and more importantly, I have been thinking about that Asian girl, who was one of the three post-college road-trippers on Roadtrip Nation. I saw her name on the site last night but now I can't find it anymore. I'm making myself seem bad at finding things on the web but that's not true and anyway it's besides the point. There was an Asian girl and the subtitle under her name was "unsure of pre-med."
And it was so obvious that she shouldn't be pre-med.
On this show she meets and interviews successful people about their careers, and always asks the same question... some form of "how do you know, how can you be sure." It was as if she were waiting for someone to give her permission or to tell her not to. And she got that-- in one case quite directly from the CEO of Jet Blue, who said "don't do it." His simple reason was "because you're the one who's going to have to live with it."
I'm writing about this in the wrong way, because I'm about to say that while this argument (and variations offered by everyone else) obviously made sense to her, she still seemed unconvinced. And I don't want to say what's wrong with this girl, what part of 'no' does she not understand? Why does she keep asking the same question, what is she getting at, or trying to get at, and yet making no sign of improvement?
I don't want to take this angle because it's somewhat antagonistic, or perhaps distant, when in fact I sympathize with her, and more importantly, millions of Asian Americans of college age and beyond would identify with her.
Whether those APAs would be willing to admit that they were ever that stupid is another thing. Not stupid, but just- it is one of those things that seems obvious (and thus stupid) in retrospect, once you are beyond it.
Having struggled with my own version of that decision myself, I know that there is something paradoxical about its obviousness. Obviously I don't like science, I never have. If you left me alone in a room I wouldn't wonder about any of that. Do you need interest in order to do something? Yeah, kinda. Can you acquire interest? Yeah, kinda. I suppose this is where the "grey" area is. But the thing is, your life would be a whole lot fucking easier if you just followed your interests.
I think something in Asian culture gravitates towards doing things the hard way. There is a tendency to think harder is better. Sometimes harder just means you're doing it wrong. You're aiming too high, asking a twelve year old with average analytical skills to do tenth grade algebra. Or shoving a square peg into a round hole when there's no reason why you shouldn't just put it into the square hole and be done with it. Besides life is hard enough when you're following your interests. Or perhaps I am still doing a lot of things the hard way, in the same pattern.
I'm not doing a great job anymore of sorting topic this out. And yet it is sorted out, in the sense that I have no qualms or regrets about the decision, and never will. Its correctness became evident soon after I made it. Not because of any event, proof, or confirmation, but just because --I just knew. When Watson and Crick deduced the structure of DNA Crick said he just knew that had to be it, even before it was proved. I saw this also on PBS, just that piece of the show, and for some reason I remember it.
It was a gradual decision, something that I definitely "made" at some point, but that I had made many times before, and at a certain point I made for the last time, knowing even then that it was the last time I would make it. There was no epiphany, though, there was no moment. Perhaps my writing about it will be like that too. Not composing one single piece which addresses the topic, but revisiting and revisiting until one day it's done.
Assez. Pour maintenant. Bonsoir...
journal | Posted by Lily at 02:23 AM
Mon | September 04, 2006
roadtrip nation
I caught about half of this last night. Three college grads go on a road trip in an RV and ask/ interview people about their respective "careers." I put careers in quotes because I don't like that word. It feels too constrained.
It was interesting because while there is a formal, defined college search, there isn't an organized career search. I guess there is, but somehow I missed it. People started to diverge. I don't know what I'm saying. OK I'm lying. About the reason it was interesting. It was interesting because there was an Asian girl on it and her subtitle was "unsure about pre-med."
Livres, films, TV | Posted by Lily at 11:00 AM
une autre
Mignonne... une fille avec le même nom que moi a un blogger qui s’appellé comme lui. Comme nous... grande erreur, elle veut être un médecin. Au revoir, encore une autre.
nonsense | Posted by Lily at 10:00 AM
Sun | September 03, 2006
je veux aller ici...
Roll and Dough - West Village - New York Magazine Restaurant Guide
This is why one must not surf the internet. However as this place is on West 3rd Street between 6th Av and MacDougal, I could conceivably be in that area. I don't know why, but I feel that I might. In which case it might not be a total waste, like staring at the U.S. Open draws was a few minutes ago.
nonsense | Posted by Lily at 01:18 AM | comment
Lily said on Dec 29, 06 02:22 PM:
Actually I went here the last time I was in the village, it's right next to the West 4th Street stop by the basketball court. They were giving away free bao ze. I went in, but I don't think the place will be that successful, because it isn't homey.
Sat | September 02, 2006
u.s. open
The US Open 2006 - Grand Slam Tennis - Official Site by IBM - News
So some guy named Yeu-Tzuoo Wang from Chinese Taipei (what's Chinese Taipei? is there a Taipei in China?) played his first U.S. Open this year. Unfortunately he ended up playing against Roger Federer in the first round, which if you know anything about tennis, is sooo funny. I guess someone has to play Federer in the first round. If it were me I would just leave, I'd be too embarrassed to play. I'd feel like they were trying to make a fool out of me, like it was some sort of joke. I suppose the right attitude would be to look at it as an opportunity to go up against Federer when there are no expectations and there is just the experience of playing against him. I'm guessing that it was so unevenly matched that he couldn't learn much from the experience though. When the lesson is too far above the level of the student, it never works.
Jeux | Posted by Lily at 11:56 PM | comment
Fri | September 01, 2006
le premier jour du mois
What an indecisive day. That's all I have to say about it. I must write fewer emails. I feel that writing emails saps my energy. As does writing in my journal. This morning I amazed myself by getting up at 5. By 7, however, I was lying on my bed listening to the monotonous beat of "Le Danger," de Françoise Hardy, and trying to decide what to do next. In my mind I added and weighed one possibility and then the next, and by the time I had several items I had fallen asleep. Yes, if you ever need to fall asleep just lie down and make a list of things you might want to do. Be sure to include "maybe I'll go jogging," and then imagine yourself doing the exercise, instead of actually doing it. This is more tiring than the exercise itself, with none of the health benefits.