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Sun | July 16, 2006
what didn't happen
I didn't get up early enough to catch the 10:36, I didn't listen to the voice (my mother's) that said why would you wear a skirt what's the occasion, I said to myself clothes are for wearing, I will never have an occasion and besides I don't have anything else to wear because I don't fit into any of my shorts and it'll be ninety degrees out today. I didn't wear the cute but unwalkable brown shoes, I wore the blue flip flops that didn't match, and didn't have time to get threaded but went anyway, and it didn't take long since there weren't any people waiting. I didn't get to the NYPL on time but it didn't matter because it wasn't open and no one showed up and I went to Cafe Zaiya and didn't think of anything I could do to make things better.
Alle went to the pre-med exploration week and didn't know if she wanted to be a doctor anymore because she didn't think she was as dedicated as they said she needed to be, and I didn't want to discourage her but I didn't want to lie either, because I never lie, ever, so I told her why I hadn't wanted to either, even though it wasn't the right thing to say, especially with her mother there, and when we hit the books she didn't seem interested and I didn't know how to make it interesting.
I didn't know whether Charles meant to meet on the corner or inside, but since no one seemed to be waiting on the corner I went inside, but didn't know what he looked like and sat at the table next to him, and when I called and the phone rang right across from me it was a cute moment and he smiled, but I didn't because ...I don't know why I didn't. I didn't know my pronunciation was good but he said it was very close and he was surprised and I could tell he wasn't lying, and for the first time in the day I kind of felt happy.
At 8:30 on the train my phone rang and I didn't get to it in time but it rang again and I picked it up- Sorry I didn't call earlier he said (because he had said he would call in the morning) I woke up at twelve and then I had a class to teach, which didn't make sense but I didn't say anything, it's not like I would have been able to pick up the phone earlier anyway, and I asked him why he didn't email me back and he said he didn't do email and he didn't want to meet on a weekend because he had family plans (every weekend?) and I didn't want to meet on a weekday but I said I would even though I didn't know if I really wanted to and when I hung up I thought about JS and how we never met up either and didn't want the same thing to happen again but thought that it might, and I don't know why everything, even things that are supposed to be just fun, has to be so difficult and why can't things just be easy, and last Sunday I was IM'ing with Bens and I said my life is like a soccer game because nothing happens, and when I got home tonight I didn't feel like writing and I hadn't written anything in a while but I knew it wouldn't do any good to worry, it would only do good to forget, and it wasn't such a bad day as far as days go but I have the week ahead and I can count the things that are okay on one hand and the things that aren't, are innumerable so I try not to count, though I kind of can't help it.
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