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Thu | November 24, 2005

my birthday

It's my birthday today. It's also Thanksgiving.

It's 11 pm. I'm still in my pyjamas. I stayed in bed until noon. I did it on purpose. I looked at the clock and waited. I figured then half the day would be gone and I'd only have to get through the other half. It's not actually true, mathematically speaking-- there are fewer hours in the morning than in the afternoon plus evening. But psychologically noon feels like a halfway point.

I went back to Kap last Friday. I saw all these people with full time jobs and normal lives and wondered what the hell was wrong with me. I started to write about it and stopped. I don't think about work and jobs very well. I am better at thinking about love and relationships. I don't remember when I started or stopped working at places but I remember all the relationships and would-be-relationships. Maybe because they are fewer. But I don't think so.

We had turkey at around 1. Thanksgiving is a lunchtime thing in my house. Sometimes the relatives come; sometimes they don't. This year they didn't. It had to do with my mother inviting only my aunt and uncle, and not their children. I think that's what happened. I don't really know. I felt that I didn't have the energy to make things into what they ought to be, and it would be easier to just let them be whatever they were.

My plan for the day was: nothing. To do nothing and to do it shamelessly. To expend no energy, to think nothing, to evaluate nothing, to regret nothing.

I slowly shopped online at anthropologie for like six hours, on and off. At anthropologie you can drop two hundred dollars on a brass necklace. It's a dangerous place. I wasn't going to buy anything, but I finally caved in and got a bunch of clothes I will never wear, except maybe to Kap, where they will be like, what the hell are you so dressed up for. And I'll be like, because I felt like it. I do that sometimes. Most of that stuff probably won't fit and I'll return it to the store. This is how they get you with their convenient return policies. But anyway, it's my birthday.

They have cute drawer pulls. Maybe I'll redo my drawers. Maybe I'll just make that my goal, for awhile-- to decorate my room. I wonder if the drawer pulls would work on my dresser. I also wonder how I would hang a heavy mirror on my wall. I wonder what it would be like to buy whatever I felt like. If it were just my job to decorate the house. Would I feel happy or empty?

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